- The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode Eighteen – The Confession
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Episode Eighteen – The Confession
by
Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie
COURTNEY
All episodes of The Way We Haunt Now deal thematically with death and dying. Many contain mild horror elements. This episode contains a brief discussion of alcohol consumption and inebriation, and deaths related to and caused by COVID-19. Take care, listeners.
SCENE 57 (again)
BACKGROUND SFX: We’re back outside, with the hunters whispering, the thunder and wind, the exorcism spell. The poltergeist rumbles which crescendos as apartment shrieks.
THE APARTMENT
(shrieks)
get.
out.
SFX: Thunder cracks as The Apartment finishes speaking. Glass breaks suddenly. Everyone – the ghost hunters, Alicia, and Eulalie – screams. It echoes and extends, with crows cawing. Then everything falls silent.
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
JESS
This is The Way We Haunt Now Episode Eighteen: The Confession
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme fades out…
SCENE 59
BACKGROUND SFX: Inside a moving car, with rain on the windscreen.
MYRTLE
That was a disaster!
DANNY
What do you mean? That was amazing. I think we did it! Did you hear the way that thing screamed?!
NICK
It was all (ridiculous shrieking sounds)
(clears throat with the realization that nobody else is shrieking along)
(pauses) Wait. Does this mean I’m about to get broken up with?
CAS
(panting)
I don’t know. Something weird went on back there. (pained noise)
MYRTLE
Cas? You okay back there?
CAS
(unconvincing)
I’m fine. I just… landed weird when that thing threw us.
NICK
You don’t look fine, bud.
MYRTLE
Danny, get us to the hospital.
DANNY
Already headed there. Take a look at my hand.
MYRTLE
(makes a freaked out sound)
What the fuck, dude?
DANNY
Landed on it funny.
MYRTLE
And you still think that went well?
DANNY
Yep.
MYRTLE
(I’m-surrounded-by-scary-people)
Huh.
CAS
(groans)
Anyway, I’m… not really sure the exorcism worked.
DANNY
It did. Or, it was…
CAS
Yeah, yeah, it was. But, I dunno, then something changed. I don’t know, it kind of, like, fizzled out when that thing started shouting at us, you know?
SFX: Danny slams her hand against the steering wheel and then yelps in pain
DANNY
Shit. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
MYRTLE
Why do I get the feeling you aren’t going to let this go if it didn’t work, even though that thing mangled your hand?
DANNY
(at the same time as Myrtle, but muttering under her breath)
If it didn’t work, there’s always fire, isn’t there?
MYRTLE
What?
DANNY
What?
NICK
(humming “Deck the Halls”)
BACKGROUND SFX: Sound of driving, mostly silent, with Cas moaning, and Nick humming fades out.
SCENE 60
SFX: Inside Alicia’s apartment. The front door closes and Alicia tosses her keys onto a table.
EULALIE
(dazed and still sort of drunk)
I can’t believe I just left her there after that…
ALICIA
Parker’s full grown. And besides, The Apartment wasn’t going to let us in, and it wasn’t going to bother her.
EULALIE
(as if she didn’t hear)
And I can’t believe you.
ALICIA
Eulalie…
EULALIE
You didn’t tell me you have a sister? Who runs around exorcising innocent ghosts.
ALICIA
(muttering to herself)
Not that innocent.
EULALIE
And why does she run around exorcising innocent ghosts? You said it was just you and your granddad.
ALICIA
I never said it was just us.
EULALIE
You said you were doing research. Not ghost hunting!
ALICIA
I was doing research. And ghost hunting. For a little while. But it never…it never sat right with me. Never…(sighs) I don’t know. I didn’t have anything against other ghosts. Or other poltergeists for that matter.
EULALIE
But your sister did?
SFX: Footsteps, and Alicia sitting down.
ALICIA
(sighs deeply)
My sister is… was… younger. More impressionable. And I introduced her to what must have felt like a secret club. A place to belong when everything had been taken from us. And a way to get back at the forces that took everything from us.
I could think about it objectively. But… Danny’s only ever been a ghost hunter. It’s home to her now. So much that when I stopped hunting, she took it as a betrayal and…Well, you know the rest of the story. We’re coming at the same problem from different sides.
EULALIE
Alicia…
ALICIA
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s just, personal. In a way even my granddad’s death isn’t. I left my sister behind, grieving, chasing some sense of closure by destroying everything in her path. I don’t know if it’s survivor’s guilt or just guilt, period. But what happened to my sister? What’s happening to my sister? It’s my fault in a way that my granddad’s death wasn’t.
EULALIE
She looks full grown to me. Maybe you set her on a path, but she’s an adult now. Is it really your fault that she keeps choosing it?
ALICIA
(sighs, weary)
It’s not that simple, Eulalie.
SFX: Eulalie kisses her on the forehead.
EULALIE
(sighs)
I know. I drove my sister to take up residence in my haunted house. So, believe me. I know.
ALICIA
(chuckles)
I guess you do.
EULALIE
(laughs)
SFX: The two sit in silence for a second.
EULALIE
Do you think it worked, though?
ALICIA
What?
EULALIE
Whatever your sister and the others were trying to do?
ALICIA
Nope.
EULALIE
(makes an uncertain noise)
How can you be so sure?
ALICIA
Just… call it a hunch. Now let’s go see about cleaning up these scrapes, huh? That poltergeist can really pack a punch… and then we need to talk about your little disappearing act.
SCENE 61
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment, with the TV humming in the background again.
DEATH’S COOKERY HOST
(on TV)
After last week’s scallop scandal, Billy and Sam teamed up… in more ways than one, it would appear… to take down their competitors. They stormed Chef’s private office with a sinister suggestion: a sudden death elimination round where each contestant has to successfully add one ingredient to a dish without knowing what others have done before them. Chef will taste between each contestant, to judge the quality of their addition on its merit alone. Each team will present a complete dish to the chef at the end of the round, but any individual competitor can be sent home regardless of their team’s overall success.
The dish? Boxed macaroni and cheese.
BACKGROUND SFX: Death’s Cookery incidental music.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
To your stations!
On your mark, get set, cook!.
WYATT
(on TV)
Okay. Okay… Oooookay. It’s macaroni and cheese. I riffed on this all of the time growing up. But chef is going to want us to elevate it, right? Not just… throw in some chopped wieners and call it a day.
Hmm. What to do. Bacon? No! Too obvious. Pork belly, of course. And… I only get one ingredient, so. I guess no shallots or cilantro or garlic or anything like that. Just… get the pork belly and fry it up.
SFX: The clatter of utensils and then sizzling.
SAM
(on TV)
Mac and cheese. Of course it would be mac and cheese. So… classic. And I bet everyone else is going to try to elevate it or some shit. Noooot me. I’m doubling down.
SFX: Sam tastes the mac and cheese, smacking obnoxiously to get the flavor profile.
SAM
(on TV)
That’s powdered cheese, alright. So, um, hmm, what would really make this pop? Aged cheddar? Or… no… waiiiiiit. This is gonna be so delish: Muenster.
DAVE
(on TV)
Mac and cheese with…
SFX: Dave tastes the mac and cheese, chewing thoughtfully.
DAVE
(on TV)
Pork Belly. Mhhm. I knew I was on the right team. I’m going to steer this train––can you actually steer trains? Isn’t that what the track is for? Anyway––I’m taking this in a carnitas direction. So… what’s the most critical ingredient, here? Pineapple juice. Yeah. Let’s hope Madison gets it…
WENDY
(on TV)
So, clearly, Sam saw Mac and Cheese and thought let’s make this even cheesier. Because I don’t see anything else in this pot, and even if I could taste it––vegan, remember––I doubt I’d find anything. But you know what I bet? I bet I could totally replace this with a cheeseless version and neither of those dudebros would notice.
(pause)
You know what? That’s a brilliant idea.
(loud whisper, as if to a stagehand)
Pssst. Hey, hey you, you, yeah––do you have any extra pots of noodles prepped back there? I need to switch this out.
SFX: Inaudible protest from stagehand that that is against the rules.
WENDY
(on TV)
Okay, yeah, I’m sorry. I know, normally, we’re not supposed to swap things so that we maintain the whole illusion that this isn’t a reality TV show, but something… toxic… fell into the pot and I just don’t want Chef to be harmed.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
What’s she doing with the stagehand? Sod it. I wasn’t looking forward to that roiling pot of curdled cheese anyway. Let’s see what happens.
SFX: Madison takes a bite of mac and cheese and slowly chews.
MADISON
(on TV)
Mac and cheese with… bacon, I guess? And some sort of fruit juice? Ugh, what were they thinking? It’s going to have to come down to me to fix things, again. It’s just like daddy always says. When you have money you don’t need to be–– err, no. That was a different saying. Um. Something about fixing things, because nobody else knows how to. Ummm, no. No. But it was about fixing things, and being the only one who could. And.
(gets really nervous and just basically shouts)
Stewed Tomatoes!
BILLY
(on TV)
This is just a pot of dry noodles with some sort of yellow flakes sprinkled all over it sort of haphazardly. I don’t–– (sighs) I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this. I guess the only thing I really can do is add velveeta and hope it covers up the flakiness.
SFX: Death’s Cookery transition music, with a wailing siren.
FRANKIE
You just… threw them out! Just (punch sound)
THE APARTMENT
out.
PARKER
I have to admit, I didn’t think it was going to work. Just… riling it up like that.
FRANKIE
(fondly)
Eh, Cardea’s wiser than its years. It knows how to deal with miscreants.
PARKER
(incredulous)
…di–– did you, um… name the apartment?!
THE APARTMENT
named. me.
FRANKIE
Well, I couldn’t very well just go around referring to it as The Apartment, could I? And it didn’t particularly like it’s address as a nom de plume.
PARKER
Um…I see.
FRANKIE
It’s Latin. For protectress of the hinges. My brothers didn’t visit me often, but the youngest, George, used to tell me about his Latin and Greek lessons. Cardea was a Roman goddess who protected families from evil spirits in their homes.
PARKER
(chokes)
You’re kidding, right?
FRANKIE
…no?
PARKER
It’s… not entirely fitting, is it?
FRANKIE
It’s aspirational. But it did just protect us.
THE APARTMENT
friends. safe. watch. show.
FRANKIE
(pleased)
See? Now, how about a celebratory round of Competitive Confectionary?
PARKER
(laughs)
Don’t mind if I do.
SFX: The sound of the TV gets louder as Competitive Confectionary theme plays…
SCENE 62
SFX: Whooshing sound as Mary arrives at the ghost house, the door creaking as it opens. The click of a joystick and whirr of Lota’s wheelchair as she practically ambushes Mary.
LOTA
Mary! You won’t believe what happened today!
SFX: Lota’s power chair backing up as Lota opens the door wider.
MARY
And good afternoon to you too, Lota.
JOSIE
(from another room)
Is that Mary? Thank the gods! Welcome back!
SFX: Mary’s footfalls as she enters and Josie’s as she joins her friends.
BACKGROUND SFX: Gently chiming music. The creaking of a ghost house.
MARY
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this popular before.
JOSIE
Then I apologize. You are very popular and appreciated.
LOTA
Sit down, I’ll get you a cup of tea. We grabbed a lovely Bourbon smoked black tea that’d gone off, if you’d like to try it.
MARY
I’m almost suspicious of all this enthusiasm, but I’m also intrigued. Please. And I have so much to tell you two.
SFX: Lota’s wheelchair as she leaves the room.
JOSIE
Mary, it’s been a near endless stream of new ghosts since you left. Something terrible is cutting down mortals. Every day, thousands––
MARY
(stunned)
Thousands?!
SFX: The sound of Lota’s wheelchair as she returns and the light clink of a teacup against the saucer.
MARY
Thank you.
LOTA
Yes, thousands. Some areas have been hit harder than others. We’ve counted more than a hundred in the area so far.
JOSIE
Things were so hectic we just started a new ghost group to try and help more people than one on one meetings would allow. I have no idea what it’s like in other places, but I fear for all those brand new souls adrift and afraid.
LOTA
We need to reach more people and we need more experienced ghosts to help. Mary, I’ve never seen anything like it.
SFX: The clink of the cup against the saucer.
MARY
There was a pandemic here, once… It was before my time, but my mother & grandmother told me about it.
JOSIE
This sounds like a repeat of the flu pandemic in 1918. I remember wearing a mask and being told to stay away from people. It was a terrible time, so many deaths. Even then, we had people refusing to take precautions, no matter how many died. We just seem to repeat history…
MARY
And now, we have one more problem to deal with. (sigh) We’ll have to take it one emergency at a time. And that means focusing on the one we were working on before this…mystery illness. I have news about how to––
(break)
––possibly save Frankie from being a poltergeist. I––
SFX: The spectral labradoodle howls and pads into the room!
MARY
Well hello there! Who’s a good dog? Who’s a beautiful dog?
LOTA
Mary, meet Asha. She was finally ready to follow me home.
MARY
Well, hello Asha. Welcome to the family.
SFX: Asha makes happy dog noises and licks Mary.
BACKGROUND SFX: Ghost house chiming fades out…
SCENE 63
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment, with the TV humming in the background again.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
Even my grandmother could chop onions better than that, and she’s dead, Dave! Her ghost has terrible knife technique. Do you understand what I am saying?!
DAVE
(on TV)
Yes, chef.
(muttering under his breath)
She probably had better knife technique than you.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
What’s that, Dave?
DAVE
(on TV)
I said she could probably teach me a thing or two, chef.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
Yeah, that’s what I just said you overgrown cabbage.
PARKER
(quietly, so as not to disturb the apartment, talking over the TV)
So, I have a question, Frankie.
WYATT
(on TV, in the background)
Chef, Dave’s got some of the best knife handling skills I’ve ever seen and––
FRANKIE
Mhmm?
PARKER
It sounds like you’ve grown… fond …of the apartment.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV, in the background)
That’s it! All of you! I’m shutting down the kitchen. You’ve failed tonight’s service, and you won’t be doing another one until you’ve all learned how to handle your knives with more finesse than a bunch of murderous dolls.
FRANKIE
Well, we do have a lot in common.
PARKER
But you still want to leave, right? I mean, if it’s possible.
FRANKIE
Shhhh. It will hear you.
SFX: Death’s Cookery theme music plays and fades out…
PARKER
I mean. It called us “friends” earlier. And you seemed… pleased about that.
FRANKIE
(flustered)
I was. I… am.
(pause)
It took us awhile to find our footing, but being here isn’t like being trapped in my room at my parents’ home. I’m learning new things, exploring the world. At least, using Eulalie’s in-ter-net box.
PARKER
So, you wouldn’t want to leave? If you had the chance?
FRANKIE
I didn’t–– I don’t–– (sighs) I don’t know. Maybe not.
SFX: Parker receives a text message.
FRANKIE
Was that virtual post?
PARKER
A text message? (chuckles) Yes.
FRANKIE
What did it say?
PARKER
Um, Eulalie has news from our ghost friends.
FRANKIE
Oh. Can we… wait to respond? Until tomorrow?
PARKER
(gentle)
Um…yeah. Sure.
CREDITS
BACKGROUND SFX: Long version of the theme (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
COURTNEY:
This episode of The Way We Haunt Now was written by Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie, with sound design by Brad Colbroock and voice acting, in order of appearance, by:
ALI
Ali Hylton—
JEFF
Jeff Goldman—
KIRSTY
Kirsty Woolven—
MEGAN
Megan Gwen Davies—
NATALIE
Natalie Hunter—
ALL APARTMENT VOICES
—as The Apartment
TAL
Tal Minear as Myrtle
LINDSAY
Lindsay Zana as Danny
PAUL
Paul H. Rollins as Nick Castlewaight
BRAD
Brad Colbroock as Cas Bromley
COURTNEY
Courtney Floyd as Eulalie
JESS
Jessica Winston as Alicia
PAIGE
Paige Alena as Death’s Cookery Host
WILL
Will Stephenson as Angry British Chef
LAUREN GRACE THOMPSON
Lauren Grace Thompson as Wyatt, a Death’s Cookery contestant
AUSTIN
Austin Backman as Sam, a Death’s Cookery contestant
BRYAN
Bryan Green as Dave, a Death’s Cookery contestant
MICHELLE
Michelle Han as Madison, a Death’s Cookery contestant
KASHYU
Kashyu as Wendy, a Death’s Cookery contestant
JERRON
Jerron Bacat as Billy, a Death’s Cookery contestant
ELEANOR GREY
Eleanor Grey as Frankie
MARNIE
Marnie Warner as Parker
BECCA
Becca Marcus as Lota
KIRA
Kira Apple as Mary
GEORGIA
Georgia Mckenzie as Josie
CHARLIE (the dog)
(howls)
COURTNEY
Charlie Bucket as Asha, the spectral labradoodle
TIM LOWE
Tim Lowe as Jon Harker
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music fades out…
JON HARKER
You know that part in Dracula where Dracula’s all (Dracula accent) “Listen to them, the children of the night. What music they make”? (back to his normal accent) I know he’s supposed to be talking about wolves, but I like to imagine he was talking about crickets. Or bats. Heh. Vampires can probably hear bats echolocating, right? Ping. Ping. Ping. Anyway, that’s it from me tonight. But I’m leaving you in good hands. You’re gonna want to keep listening…