- The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode Fifteen – The Lore
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Episode Fifteen – The Lore
by
Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie
COURTNEY
All episodes of The Way We Haunt Now deal thematically with death and dying. Many contain mild horror elements. Take care, listeners.
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
BRAD
This is The Way We Haunt Now Episode Fifteen: The Lore
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme fades out…
SCENE 32
SFX: Faint groaning, tapping, and scratching sounds in the background. Blankets rustle, footsteps across the room. Eulalie sighs, turning on the tap and filling a glass with water. The groaning and tapping sounds grow louder and more insistent.
EULALIE
(sleepily)
What’s making that sound? Must be a tre–– (screams)
SFX: Eulalie’s glass shatters and splashes across the floor. Blankets rustle as Alicia gets out of bed. Quick footsteps approach.
ALICIA
Eulalie? Eulalie, are you okay?!
EULALIE
(breathing hard)
There. The window. Do you see?
ALICIA
The window… the… There’s nothing there, Eulalie. What did you see?
EULALIE
Uh, there was a ghost. Um. It was… (makes small sound)… it… It was screaming and scratching against the glass like–– like it was trying to dig its way out of its own coffin or something. I don’t know, I…(sniffs) You’re sure you don’t see anything?
ALICIA
(gently)
Nothing.
EULALIE
Maybe it was just the tree, after all…
ALICIA
What tree?
EULALIE
The tree outside the window?
ALICIA
Yeah, there’s not a tree outside this window. And if you say you saw a ghost, there was probably a ghost.
EULALIE
But what about your wards?
ALICIA
They keep ghosts outside, but not away. I couldn’t ward the whole building and grounds.
EULALIE
(sighs)
Okay. Okay. Um…
SFX: Eulalie slumps against the counter.
EULALIE
(sighs)
What am I going to do, Alicia? I…Just… live with the ghosts popping up everywhere all the time? I don’t know if I can handle this––
ALICIA
Hey. Hey. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Okay? And what we’re going to do right this very minute is clean up some glass.
EULALIE
Right. You’re right. I’m sorry…
ALICIA
You don’t need to apologize. This? It’s a lot. And I know from experience that it’s something you have to deal with one day at a time. One ghost at a time.
SCENE 33
SFX: There’s a hum of whispery chatter, as if you’re hearing the echoes of a conversation that’s already happened. The eerie whispering continues under the ghosts’ lines.
GHOST 1
(in the chatter)
What exactly is going on here? Shouldn’t we be seeing some light or door or pearly white gate or…something?
YLENA
(in the chatter)
Madre de Dios, sabes que soy atea, pero…estoy tan asustado. Aqui, va… Madre, donde estas?
GHOST 2
(in the chatter)
I’m not dead. I’m not dead. I’m not… this can’t be happening. It’s a bad dream. I’m gonna wake up any minute and everything will be fine.
GHOST 3
(in the chatter)
No. It’s too soon. I’m not ready. Please, let this be a mistake. Please. I have so much I still need to do.
GHOST 2
(in the chatter)
I’m not dead. I’m not dead. I’m not… this can’t be happening. It’s a bad dream. I’m gonna wake up any minute and everything will be fine.
AARON
(in the chatter)
But… I recovered. I recovered! How could I have a heart attack? I’m 25. The sickness wasn’t supposed to affect me, but I beat it. This has to be a mistake, someone has to fix this. I’m not supposed to be here.
GHOST 3
(in the chatter)
Wait, so the afterlife is just a badly lit room in some forgotten corner of a hospital?
HENRY
(in the chatter)
I thought I’d see Luella. Tiny. Anybody I knew. But, it’s just strangers.
SFX: The click and whirr of a power wheelchair. The ghostly chatter continues.
JOSIE
You know, Lota, this might go better if we help one ghost at a time.
LOTA
(sighs)
You know that wasn’t working, either. And anyway, it’s not my fault. There’s just so many of them now and they all need help. I couldn’t just tell some to wait!
SFX: The clink of glasses on a tray.
JOSIE
(sighs)
I wasn’t sure about these meetings to begin with and having this crowd show up isn’t making me feel any more comfortable.
LOTA
Oh, Josie. Don’t be cranky. You know we have to do something to keep humans and ghosts coexisting safely.
JOSIE
You’re right, of course. There’s just so many. Many more than there should be––
LOTA
––And they all need our guidance to figure out how to deal with their new status in … life?
JOSIE
Unlife? (beat) Well, can you help me carry these refreshments in to our guests?
LOTA
Oh, yeah, of course.
SFX: A high pitched electronic whine.
JOSIE
Seems our guests are making themselves felt in the electronics. We better get back in there.
SFX: Power wheelchair motor clicks into life and whirrs as Lota moves.
LOTA
Josie…
JOSIE
Yeah?
LOTA
I know this was all my idea, but I…I’m so nervous. What if I-I say the wrong thing? It’s so much easier to talk to animals.
JOSIE
Animals do listen better too. But Lota, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about you, when you speak from the heart, you always say and do the right thing. Now, let’s go meet our new friends.
SFX: Clink of the trays and the whir of the wheelchair motor.
JOSIE
You know, maybe next time we should hold a meeting in one of those big general stores. I’ve had my eye on one of those newfangled sewing machines and this group could blow the motor out of one for me.
LOTA
Josie…
BACKGROUND SFX: Ghostly chatter fades out.
SCENE 34
BACKGROUND SFX: A trippy, out of this world soundscape; we’re in the Veil. All voices here sound echoey.
NARRATOR
People tend to imagine the veil––when they think about it at all––as a void. Less a place than a barrier one must breach in order to move on to whatever comes after the afterlife. A curtain to be pushed aside.
They aren’t wrong necessarily. The veil is, quite literally, what you make of it. A liminal, plastic place shaped by the imagination and desire of those who inhabit it and those who journey through it.
And the lingering dead aren’t always the most… stable? consistent? imaginative? What’s that word I’m looking for?
GEORGIE
Substantial, I’d think.
MARY
Hmm. Yes. Substantial…
NARRATOR
The lingering dead don’t think as much in terms of substance as the flesh-bound living. And so, the veil does have void-like qualities. Time doesn’t adhere to things in the same way it does for the living. Space doesn’t have to play by quite the same rules.
And, like a void, the veil is dangerous to the unwary. Without appropriate precaution––
GEORGIE
Stopwatches, you mean.
NARRATOR
––a journeying ghost could easily find herself unstuck from time, unmoored in space. Captured by the gravity well of the unknown.
GEORGIE
Do you know, I’ve speculated that the veil is actually the event horizon of whatever comes next? It’s timeless and malleable because we’re slowly being pulled toward, through, into something vast and new?
MARY
That’s fascinating. And it makes so much sense.
GEORGIE
I know. You know what else is fascinating? How much you talk to yourself. Do you do this all of the time, or is it more of a big-moment thing?
MARY
I…
GEORGIE
Actually, let’s put a pin in that. We’re here… Do you have your stopwatch?
MARY
Yes.
GEORGIE
Right then. Ready when you are.
MARY
Well, let’s do some digging.
BACKGROUND SFX: Stopwatches ticking in the background. The Veil soundscape fades a little, with intense music joining it as though time is running out. Words echo more distinctly.
SFX: Mary rings a desk bell and it stretches and echoes oddly.
VEIL LIBRARIAN
Shhhhhh.
MARY
But… you provided the bell?
VEIL LIBRARIAN
It’s for decorative purposes only. Didn’t you see the sign?
MARY
…the sign? There’s no sign.
VEIL LIBRARIAN
(laughs)
I know. Just pulling your leg. Welcome to Special Collections. What can I assist you with today?
GEORGIE
We’re here to learn more about poltergeists….
VEIL LIBRARIAN
Righto. And you’ve both got your researcher cards?
SFX: Rustling as Georgie and Mary dig in pockets and produce cards.
VEIL LIBRARIAN
Brilliant. Right this way, then..
BACKGROUND SFX: Fades out.
SCENE 35
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment. Parker’s doing the dishes and there’s the sound of TV in the background.
DEATH’S COOKERY HOST
(on TV)
This week on Death’s Cookery, a disastrous scallop gets one of our top contestants sent home. Meanwhile, Billy and Sam’s will-they-won’t-they chemistry sets off a chain reaction that has unprecedented effects in our surprise challenge…
PARKER
(groans)
Ohh god, this show.
SFX: Parker continues to groan and grumble at the show while washing dishes.
SAM
(on TV)
It’s like, I was supportive when Billy was running the hot plate, but like, as soon as I get up there he’s gonna sabotage me?! It’s on, Billy. Oh, it’s on. You better watch that pretty backside because I’m coming for it.
WENDY
(on TV; giggles evilly)
Billy didn’t sabotage Sam. (dramatic pause) I did. It was me.
Those boys think everything revolves around them and their obvious chemistry and their ridiculous culinary preferences. But I’m here to win this thing. And that means making sure I have space to shine. That’s never going to happen with those two flinging filet mignon and lobster around like it’s 1999 and we’re about to surf and turf until we keel over with heart failure.
PARKER
(groans)
Oh my god.
WENDY
(on TV)
No. I’m here to show the world that vegan food can be just as decadent, just as sumptuous, as any last meal made with roasted carcass. Better even.
PARKER
(muttering to herself)
Move in with a poltergeist, they said, help out a trapped ghost, have a few spooky experiences.
BILLY
(on TV; groans)
I didn’t oversalt your precious scallop, Sam. We had an alliance. Why would I break it at the first possible chance?
SAM
(on TV)
I don’t know, Billy, why would you? To take out your only real competition, maybe? You’d do anything for that executive chef position, wouldn’t you?
BILLY
(on TV)
Wouldn’t any of us? I mean, this isn’t one of those hug and hold hands kumbaya type British baking shows, bro…
SAM
(on TV; laughs, like he’s about to do something violent)
Oh, I knew it! I knew I couldn’t trust you. I––
BILLY
(on TV; a little panicked)
Sam, look at me, pal. I respect you too much to do you like that. I… like you too much.
SAM
(on TV)
You––
BILLY
(on TV)
Someone’s messing with us. Maybe that chipper salad “chef” over there. Maybe someone else. My point is, (beep over the word ‘fuck’) ‘em. We’re not going to let them get us down. We’re still going to win this challenge.
SAM
(on TV)
We are?
BILLY
(on TV)
We are. Together.
SAM
(on TV)
Because you… like me?
PARKER
Oh, for the love of-
BILLY
(on TV)
Because I like you. And if we work together, we can make whoever did this pay. Death’s Cookery style.
DEATH’S COOKERY HOST
(on TV)
That is quite the threat. Or promise? You’ll have to tune in next week to find out which. Because nothing is ever what it seems here on Death’s Cookery.
SFX: Death’s Cookery end theme. Parker groans clangs a dish harder than necessary into the empty side of the sink.
PARKER
I expected terrifying house noises, spooky writing on the mirror when I get out of the shower, maybe even some vomiting and light possession. But weeks of constant bad TV? I did not sign up for this.
SFX: Frankie appears in the room with a whoosh.
FRANKIE
(as if she’s been there all along)
Believe me, it was much worse at first.
PARKER
(yelps, nervous laugh)
Frankie! Frankie, friend, you’ve gotta give me some sort of warning.
FRANKIE
Sorry. But it was. Much worse.
PARKER
The apartment was watching… what… Jersey Shore?
FRANKIE
Jersey Shore? I… don’t believe so. We didn’t watch television at all, at first. There was a lot of noise for a long time, even after everyone went away. The apartment had my signature on its lease, but it wanted me. It wanted to claim me. And the way it went about that…
I started hiding in Eulalie’s … electronics, I think they’re called? Just to get away from the apartment’s prying. And while I was in her desk top I discovered the (said oddly) internet.
The next time the apartment tried to rummage around in my memories, it found the media I’d been consuming and…
PARKER
…a monster was born.
FRANKIE
What?
PARKER
Oh, um. Just joking. And, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds terrible. And terrifying.
FRANKIE
(shuddering)
It was.
I know that the apartment has been left behind many, many times. It’s grieving and it’s tired of being left with only bits and pieces of the people it’s come to love. And it’s a young building, so it doesn’t know its own strength really.
But there was a period of time when it pretended to be my mother and locked me in a room and…The television is an improvement.
PARKER
Oof, gotcha.
Wow. I never really thought about the apartment’s perspective at all. Not that what you said excuses its actions. But…
FRANKIE
…but it certainly helps make sense of those actions. And understanding someone is the first and most crucial step to working with them, as my father always used to say. Especially if you don’t agree about things.
PARKER
Wait. So, do you think that understanding the apartment’s… um, abandonment issues… might somehow help us get you out of here?
FRANKIE
If there is a way, I don’t think understanding what the apartment truly wants and needs will hurt. Do you?
PARKER
No… no, it couldn’t, could it?
BACKGROUND SFX: The sound of the TV in the background seems to grow louder for a moment, and then fades out.
SCENE 36
BACKGROUND SFX: A trippy, out of this world soundscape, with stopwatches ticking; we’re in the Veil. All voices here sound very echoey.
SFX: Mary flips through a book, muttering.
MARY
Preventing Poltergeists. “Destroying poltergeist-infested buildings.” Anecdotal accounts of poltergeists around the world. Ugh. None of this tells us anything new about Frankie’s situation.
GEORGIE
We’ve just started looking, Mary. Research takes time.
MARY
Time that we don’t have. How long has it been since we left? How long until what’s happened to Frankie is irreversible? Is it already irreversible? We. Don’t. Know.
GEORGIE
All the more reason to keep calm and––
SFX: The Veil Librarian appears in a sudden, eerie woosh.
VEIL LIBRARIAN
––the book you requested.
MARY
…I haven’t requested any additional––
VEIL LIBRARIAN
I think you are correct that Colwan’s Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Penitent Poltergeist may be just the thing to propel your research forward…
MARY
I…
VEIL LIBRARIAN
In particular, your suspicions that the footnotes in chapter three are of extreme interest…
MARY
I… you do?
GEORGIE
Oh, for ghoul’s sake, Mary. (reading aloud) Footnote one.
VEIL LIBRARIAN
(coughs to indicate that this is not the footnote to begin with)
SFX: Georgie turns the page, tentatively.
GEORGIE
(uncertainly)
Footnote two, then?
SFX: Pause. No cough ensues.
GEORGIE
Okay, then. (reading aloud) Footnote two: It has long been suspected by scholars that Colwan drew on personal experience in his depiction of the nameless ghost’s brief and violent relationship with the poltergeist in this and the following chapter. Colwan grew up next to a reportedly haunted estate, whose grounds and halls he frequented as an incorrigible youth given to adventurous trespassing. It is said that, after one such visit, Colwan returned home pale and shaking. For weeks afterwards, he refused to leave his room or even to speak, much to the distress of his mother and tutor.
(still reading aloud) The novel’s title creates a sense of dramatic irony, here. Though the poltergeist’s entrapment of the ghost in this chapter is followed by a sort of lull in which the ghost believes that the worst has passed, we know that this poltergeist (like all poltergeists) has much to be penitent for. And, indeed, the poltergeist’s ruthless pillage of the ghost’s memories and subsequent use of those memories to torture the ghost until it can be completely absorbed by the poltergeist is a premeditated act of such violence it is no surprise that the poltergeist eventually comes to regret its deeds.
SFX: Georgie closes the book in stunned silence.
MARY
Oh.
GEORGIE
Feck.
VEIL LIBRARIAN
(with entirely too much enthusiasm)
That’s not even the good bit.
MARY
The… good bit?? What kind of librarian are you, actually?
VEIL LIBRARIAN
A bored one. Anyhow, as I was saying, the good bit, as you yourself noted when you were perusing our finding aids and therefore didn’t need to hear from me, is that the author himself lives just down the way from here.
GEORGIE
(laughing)
Just down the way, she says.
VEIL LIBRARIAN
(clears throat pointedly)
GEORGIE
And by “she” I mean, for some strange reason, you, Mary. You beautiful genius.
MARY
(dryly)
Of course. Shall we?
SFX: The librarian whooshes away.
GEORGIE
We shall. Thank you Ms. Librari–– Oh. She’s gone.
MARY
And so are we. My point about time, and our utter lack of it, still stands.
BACKGROUND SFX: Veil ambi and the ticking stopwatch fades out.
SCENE 37
SFX: A book closes, Cas stacks it on top of a notebook and carries it toward the front desk.
MYSTERIOUSLY FAMILIAR LIBRARIAN
All done, then?
CAS
Yep.
MYSTERIOUSLY FAMILIAR LIBRARIAN
Didya find everything you needed?
CAS
(in a borderline maniacal voice)
Yes, yes I think I did…
MYSTERIOUSLY FAMILIAR LIBRARIAN
Perfect. You have a good afternoon, now.
CAS
Yeah, thanks. You, too.
SFX: Cas walks out of library.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
I got it.
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Yeeesssssssss, dude.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
So what’s the damage?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
Yeah, what do we have to do to get on with kicking some ghost butt?
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
There are a lot of complicated ingredients we need to track down. And some Latin we’re going to have to get translated. But I know a person.
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
That’s about what I expected.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
Is that it? Sick!
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
Why do I feel like I’m waiting for bad news?
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
Because there is some bad news. This is essentially a breakup spell for… unique relationships. Say, between buildings and ghosts. And best case, it might cause the building to break up with itself a little.
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
So we wear hardhats. Boom.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
So the building could literally fall down around us?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
What’s the worst case, Cas??!!
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
(sheepishly)
The building could fall down around us and the spell could psychically nudge everyone within a one-mile radius to break up their most significant relationship…
SFX: Message sending sound, followed by a few seconds of stunned silence, then his phone starts BLOWING UP with texts. Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
That is some serious blowback, folks. Should we really move forward with this?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
Oh, man. I just started dating this elf…
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Look, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
I mean, I mean chick…
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
Really? Really, Danny? That’s a crap metaphor. And I thought you were vegan?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
I mean. I really like the person I’m dating and I don’t want to get ghost-whammied into breaking up.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
All I’m saying is, this sounds like a lot of blowback…
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
…but compared to the potential damage an active poltergeist could cause… this is small potatoes.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
And now I’m hungry.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
I don’t think we should go through with this.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
You raise a valid concern, Myrtle. I think we need to at least sleep on it before we move forward.
SFX: Message sending sound; phone vibrates as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
I think we need to call it off. But I will accept sleeping on it as a rational course. For now.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
Meanwhile, enjoy your time with your elf friend while you have it, Nick.
SFX: Message sending sound.
SCENE 38
BACKGROUND SFX: Alicia’s apartment room tone.
SFX: Phone ringing… it goes to voicemail.
PARKER
(voicemail voice)
It’s Parker. You know what to do.
SFX: The voicemail beep.
EULALIE
Hey, sis. I just wanted to check in. Things are fine over here…
ALICIA
(in background)
Except for the midnight ghost scares. Uh… By which I mean totally normal and harmless midnight ghost scares.
EULALIE
(sighs)
I’m still seeing ghosts, but, hey, at least they can’t hang out in the closets. Anyway, I’m sure you’re busy with… poltergeist roommate things. I just… I hope you’re okay. I hope you aren’t staying here out of some misplaced sense of duty, because you shouldn’t put my wellbeing over yours. I’m the big sister here. And I promise I’m going to be okay. And now that we know Frankie hasn’t, I don’t know, dissolved into the walls––
SFX: End of voicemail tone cuts Eulalie off.
EULALIE
(in futile small voice)
You can get back to your life, if you want to.
CREDITS
BACKGROUND SFX: Long version of the theme (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
COURTNEY
This episode of The Way We Haunt Now was written by Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie, with sound design by Brad Colbroock and voice acting, in order of appearance, by:
COURTNEY
Courtney Floyd as Eulalie
JESS
Jessica Winston as Alicia
TETISUKA
Tetisuka as Assorted Ghosts
IVAN
Ivan Divino as Assorted Ghosts
ARIANE
Ariane Marchese as Assorted Ghosts
SHAUN
Shaun Grace as Assorted Ghosts
DANNY
Danny Spiller as Aaron
KIONA
Kiona Bashful Echo as Assorted Ghosts
DAVID
David S. Dear as Henry
MARITZA
Maritza Rodriguez as Ylena
GEORGIA
Georgia Mckenzie as Josie
BECCA
Becca Marcus as Lota
KIRA:
Kira Apple as The Narrator and Mary
MARGARET
Margaret Ashley as Georgie Yeats
L.W. SALINAS
L.W. Salinas as the Veil Librarian and the Mysteriously Familiar Librarian
PAUL
Paul H. Rollins as Nick Castlewaight
BRAD
Brad Colbroock as Cas Bromley
TAL
Tal Minear as Myrtle
LINDSAY
Lindsay Zana as Danny
PAIGE
Paige Alena as Death’s Cookery Host
AUSTIN
Austin Backman as Sam, a Death’s Cookery contestant
KASHYU
Kashyu as Wendy, a Death’s Cookery contestant
MARNIE
Marnie Warner as Parker
JERRON
Jerron Bacat as Billy, a Death’s Cookery contestant
ELEANOR
Eleanor Grey as Frankie
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music fades out…
COURTNEY
Hey! We’re halfway through our season, and honestly? One of the scariest parts for me is the sibling drama. If you have a sibling you’d move in with a poltergeist to help, let them know you love them. And because I should lead by example, here’s a shout out to my numerous siblings. We’ve lived through haunted apartments together and you know we’d do it again if it needed to be done. Now answer my voicemails! Just kidding. What kind of a monster actually leaves a voicemail?
Okay, now I’m going to join the rest of the cast and crew in a midseason break! We’ll be back haunting your podcatchers on January 22nd, 2022!
SFX: Someone clicks on a TV set with a remote
DEATH’S COOKERY HOST
We’ll get back to our manipulation and morbid ingredients… right after this preview.