The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode Five – The Haintervention
- Music:
- You Haint Seen Nothin’ Yet theme by Courtney Floyd
- Link to PDF transcript
- For more information: www.hauntnowpod.com
- Twitter: @HauntNowPod
- Instagram: @HauntNowPod
Episode Five – The Haintervention
SCENE 25
SFX: Sounds of Frankie panicking (dishes breaking, apartment rattling, pipes groaning, faucets turning on and off etc.) along with the sound of hospital monitors beeping as scene progresses…
FRANKIE: (whispers) I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. (PAUSE) Please. Somebody. Tell me what to do. (Crying)
SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in
COURTNEY: (V.O.) This is The Way We Haunt Now, Episode Five: The Haintervention
SFX: Theme music fades out
SCENE 26
SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing, and an occasional thunderclap fades in…
NARRATOR: We usually try to intervene sooner. Send a mentor to the newest ghosts as they arrive. Give them support and guidance and context. Help them rebuild the skills they need to exist successfully and happily. Show them where to channel their confusion and their rage. That sort of thing. It doesn’t always work, because not everyone is willing to break from tradition or rage or need or whatever is driving them to haunt. Not everyone is willing to embrace the unknown and aim for something better. But we do what we can. With Frankie, though… Things were different. She wasn’t technically a new ghost. She’d been dead for a hundred and twenty years, she’d been a ghost for a hundred and twenty years. She’d just been…hibernating…for most of that time. So she slipped through the cracks of our notice and caught someone else’s attention in the process.
SFX: Ghostly soundscape fades out
SCENE 27
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: (in text) Guys, I found our next case.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
DANNY: (in text) Where to this time, boss?
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: (in text) Ehemmmm.
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: (in text) And non-binary comrades. Sorry.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: (in text) Thank you. You were saying?
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: (in text) Let me know where and when and I’ll bring the weapons.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: (in text) NICK. For the millionth time, we don’t need weapons.
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.; phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
DANNY AND CAS: (in text) We need weapons.
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: (in text) And we’re not going far. This one’s right in our own backyard.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: (in text) What, like Medford?
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
DANNY: What’s with you obsession with Medford, man?
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: No, not Medford. Eugene.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: Seriously?
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: Seriously.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
DANNY: What’ve they got going on there? The ghost of some pothead getting everyone high?
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: Sometimes I forget you’re a townie. This place ain’t all roses and spliffs, Danny. Some real shit happened here.
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: We’ll find out. But it’s looking like it’s not just a ghost.
SFX: phone vibrates repeated as three incoming texts are received
MYRTLE: What is it then???
DANNY: Is it…two ghosts?
NICK: Bro. TELL ME IT’S A POLTERGEIST.
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: I think
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: Cas enough with the suspense already.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
DANNY: Don’t leave us hanging, man.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: COME ON.
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: I think it might be a poltergeist.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: I’ll pack the shotgun, rocksalt, and rosemary.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: WE DON’T NEED WEAPONS
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
DANNY: You got a deathwish, Myrtle? ‘Cause I’d like to live to livestream another day, y’know?
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: Bring whatever supplies you see fit. We’ll head out this weekend, if our monitoring keeps indicating that there’s a presence there.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: I for one am bringing cheezits and a hand recorder.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: And you said we don’t need weapons. Those things are lethal.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: What? Hand recorders?
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: Pffft. You knew what I meant.
SCENE 28
SFX: Background of hospital monitors beeping, poltergeist sounds, crackling phonograph, and Frankie crying fades in and continues throughout scene…
FRANKIE: I visited Eulalie at the hospital again today. She still isn’t awake. A coma, the doctor’s called it. The word sets my heart racing in the worst way. It calls to mind the way Grandmother seemed to turn into a wax doll overnight when I was a child, lapsing into a slumber that never truly ended.
Have I killed her then, this woman whose passion for tinkering recalled me to life––well, not life, but awareness? (Teary) Because I think, phonograph, that I might have killed her, even though she’s still breathing.
Shouldn’t I feel, if not triumphant––never triumphant––at least…successful? Dutiful? If a ghost’s purpose is to haunt, haven’t I fulfilled that purpose? Shouldn’t I be exempt from this gnawing feeling in a stomach I no longer truly have? The painful palpitations of my heart? The grief and guilt and confusion?
SFX: spooky background sounds amplify…
And even if there is no grace––no measure, at least, of numbness––for those bound to perform this ghoulish duty, shouldn’t the completion of a haunting be marked by some change? Am I to move on to some new haunting? Or am I to be forced to wait here until Eulalie truly dies? Am I to be forced to wait here forever? No further purpose. No further usefulness. No further…anything?
SFX: Spooky sounds build to a crescendo and then stop completely
FRANKIE: I don’t think I can bear it. Not again.
SFX: Hospital monitor and crackling phonograph fade back in
SCENE 29
SFX: Hospital monitor and crackling phonograph fade out into the sound typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: (in text) Hooooooly Shiiiiiit the Neighbor Nearby forums are lighting up!
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
DANNY: Poltergeisty stuff?
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: Duh, Danny. I don’t think Cas would be texting us in the middle of the night if the Neighbor Nearby people were chatting it up about leaf blowing services and yard sales.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: (groggy nonsense)
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
NICK: He better not.
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: Oh, it’s poltergeisty stuff alright. Strange rattling and groaning at all hours. The mail carrier’s afraid to go near the place. Dog’s won’t so much as lift a leg nearby.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: Gross.
SFX: phone vibrates twice as incoming texts are received
DANNY AND NICK: Cool!
SFX: Typing and outgoing text message sound.
CAS: Looks like this weekend’s gonna be a go. But I’ll keep you posted.
SFX: phone vibrates as an incoming text is received
MYRTLE: During business hours, plzzzzzz.
SCENE 30
SFX: Whooshing sound of a ghost on the move, power wheelchair joystick clicks and motor whirs; in the background the ambient creaking and draftiness of an old haunted house continues throughout the scene
LOTA: Mary! You’ll never guess what I found.
MARY: Another stray? We have sixteen wraith racoons in this house, Lota, and I honestly don’t know if I can take another one.
LOTA: No. Well, yes. I am attempting to convince a small spectral labradoodle to come home with me, but she’s not ready yet and––and that’s not the point. I was trying to tell you about the new human ghost.
MARY: Human ghost? There haven’t been any recent deaths.
LOTA: I KNOW.
MARY: Well then how…
LOTA: I’m not sure. But I do know that there’s a poltergeist brewing up in the South Hills. I was haunting an abandoned school yard over there and––
MARY: The one people use as an unofficial dog park? Lota, you know you’re playing fast and loose with the rules when you get the living dogs to play chase with you and freak their humans out.
LOTA: Yes, yes, I know but––again––not the point. I noticed a sort of faint wailing groaning creaking crashing sound and I followed it for a few blocks until I found this house. A duplex. Really nice looking. And I peeked into the window and there she was. A frail thing in a big poofy gown. More sound than substance, really.
MARY: A big poofy gown? Like a prom dress?
LOTA: You know, when you narrow your eyes like that, you look like Clint Eastwood. And no, not like a prom dress. Like a (exhales) an old-fashioned fancy dress.
MARY: An old ghost, then. But we would’ve noticed if a ghost that old had been hanging around.
LOTA: But we didn’t.
MARY: And it’s not like poltergeists can just pop into a new town on holiday.
LOTA: It’s weird, right?
MARY: Very weird. (PAUSE) You said brewing just now. What did you mean by that?
LOTA: It’s just…I got the sense that she wasn’t fully poltergeisty yet. If you know what I mean.
MARY: She’s not fully bound to the house yet?
LOTA: Uh uhn. I don’t think so, anyway.
MARY: Then we don’t have time to waste. Track down Josie, will you? I’ll gather supplies.
LOTA: Aye aye, Cap’n!
SFX: Ghost whooshing sound, power wheelchair joystick and motor moving away…
SCENE 31
SFX: Power wheelchair comes closer, stops, Lota knocks on Josie’s door. An antique sewing machine runs in the background.
LOTA: Josie? Are you there? Can I come in?
SFX: Sewing machine pauses then continues, Lota opens Josie’s door and her wheelchair motor whirs as she enters the room.
LOTA: We’ve got a weird situation on our hands. Mary asked me to get you.
SFX: Sewing machine stops/
JOSIE: (as if she has sewing pins in her mouth and can’t move her lips freely) What do you mean by “weird”?
LOTA: There’s a poltergeist brewing in the South Hills. And she’s super old but also new at the same time.
JOSIE: (sighs) I was just finishing up my Crowley costume for Comicon, but I suppose I can take a break.
LOTA: Aleister, or that guy from that one TV show, or?
JOSIE: I’m not going to dignify that with a response. But I’ve been meaning to ask if you think the newest racoon…Elmer, right?…would be interested in going as Aziraphale.
LOTA: Maybe. I can ask for you.
JOSIE: Much appreciated.
LOTA: Anyway, Mary says we don’t have much time. She said she’d gather the supplies.
JOSIE: After you then.
SFX: Ghostly whoosh; power wheelchair joystick and motor; second whoosh as Josie follows and closes the door behind her.
SCENE 32
SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing fades in… in the background we hear the sound of songbirds and traffic…
MARY: (Narrator voice) What we’re witnessing is a once-in-a-lifetime sight. A poltergeist in the process of forming, bonding with its building––
LOTA: Mary…
MARY: (Narrator voice) Once the bond is formed, it can never be broken. At least, not that we know of. Which is why it’s important to stop this as soon as possible. It’s not that poltergeists are bad, it’s just that the situations that lead to them are believed to be negative, and the formation is usually torturous. And, well, who wants to be trapped in a house for the rest of eternity?
SFX: Ghostly soundscape fades out
JOSIE: Mary, you’re narrating again. I think it’s safe to say we’re both aware of the fact that poltergeist isn’t a moral classification. Cut it out, will you?
SFX: Ghostly soundscape fades back in
MARY: (Narrator voice) Sure.
SFX: Mary clears her throat and the ghostly soundscape fades back out…
MARY: (Regular voice). Sure. Sorry. Ehem. It’s just fascinating to me that poltergeists have been forming for as long as people have been living in houses and we still don’t know what’s actually happening when they form.
JOSIE: Yeah, we know. Mind blowing.
LOTA: Anyway, whatever’s happening in there we don’t have much time. It feels like she’s getting closer to the house. Merging with it, I mean. Maybe.
MARY: Are you sure? I can’t feel anything.
JOSIE: Neither can I.
LOTA: Maybe I can tell the difference because I encountered it earlier, too. Or because I spend a lot of time in this neighborhood. I don’t know. But yes, I’m sure.
JOSIE: What’s the plan here? Barge in guns blazing?
MARY AND LOTA: What guns?
JOSIE: Kidding. But, seriously. What do we do?
LOTA: Well, we don’t want to startle her.
JOSIE: Won’t it startle her if she notices us peeping into her window?
LOTA: Well, yes, but…
SFX: Mary whooshes away. In the distance, she starts knocking on the front door…
MARY: Hello? Hello! We noticed you’re in a bit of distress, and we think we can help! Hello?
LOTA: (muttering) So much for the subtle approach.
JOSIE: Shall we join her, then?
LOTA: Let’s.
SFX: Two ghostly whooshes and a wheelchair motor whirring… Mary knocking more.
MARY: Hello? Please come to the door. We only want to help.
SFX: Door opens
FRANKIE: Hello?
CREDITS
SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in
COURTNEY: (V.O.) This episode of The Way We Haunt Now is written, directed, and produced by Courtney Floyd with voice acting (in order of appearance) by:
ELEANOR: Eleanor Grey as Frankie
KIRA: Kira Apple as the Narrator
BRAD: Brad Colbroock as Cas Bromley
LINDSAY: Lindsay Zana as Danny
TAL: Tal Minear as Myrtle
PAUL: Paul H. Rollins as Nick
BECCA: Becca Marcus as Lota
KIRA: Kira Apple as Mary Bangs
GEORGIA: Georgia Mckenzie as Josie
COURTNEY: Whether you’re new to the spirit world or simply a ghost in need of some entertainment, you can visit www.hauntnowpod.com for more episodes as well as information about our cast and crew, content warnings, transcripts, and links to our social media.
SFX: Theme music fades out
COURTNEY: Remember to haunt responsibly!
—
COURTNEY: Hi there haunters, hauntees, and lucky summer children who have yet to be either. It’s Courtney, writer, showrunner, and voice of Eulalie. I’m popping on at the end of this episode to make a couple of quick announcements.
First, I want to say thank you for listening! Bringing this show to life with the cast has been an amazing experience, but without people to listen to it? (Deep breath) Ahhhh. You bring life to this show about death, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
If you can’t get enough of our show, I wanted to let you know that you can show your love with merch! Head to www.hauntnowpod.com/support. Another great way to support us is to share our podcast on social media. Pass us on to your friends. Sharing poltergeists is caring poltergeists. I don’t know, one of those has to stick.
The second announcement is that, now that we’ve reached the middle of Season One, we’re going to be taking a short break. There will be more details and… other things… um, in an announcement that comes out next week. But, just know that you’ll be getting new episodes at the end of this month. And we’re so excited to share the end of the story (for now) with all of you!
We’ll be back to haunting your earbuds in no time. Thanks for listening!