- The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode Fourteen – The Bakeoff
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Episode Fourteen- The Bakeoff
by
Courtney Floyd
COURTNEY
All episodes of The Way We Haunt Now deal thematically with death and dying. Many contain mild horror elements. This episode contains depiction of alcohol consumption and inebriation. Take care, listeners.
SCENE 25
BACKGROUND SFX: Sleigh bells ringing, Christmassy music.
NARRATOR
(slightly echoey, from the veil)
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Wraith Raccoons were stirring and––You know what? No. This is weird even for me.
BACKGROUND SFX: Sleigh bells cut off abruptly. The music is haunting and otherworldly.
NARRATOR
(slightly echoey, from the veil)
I refuse to narrate this in rhyme. I’ve got enough on my plate, honestly. And if my friends decide to make merry in the face of mounting worry, whistling past the graveyard so to speak, that doesn’t mean I’ve got to recap it in the bougiest way possible.
(sighs)
I was out, searching for information about poltergeists. Josie and Lota were in charge in my absence. Decisions were made. Questionable decisions.
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
BECCA
This is The Way We Haunt Now Episode Fourteen: The Bakeoff.
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme fades out…
SCENE 26
BACKGROUND SFX: Gently chiming music and the creaking of a ghost house fades in.
SFX: A sewing machine whirrs. A knock and a power wheelchair coming into the room as Lota enters; sewing machine winds down after a few seconds.
JOSIE
(sighs)
Well, that’s done. And I’m exhausted. Who knew Mary did so much?
LOTA
I know. I just got back from meeting with another new ghost.
JOSIE
Another one? How many is that this week?
LOTA
Five. (sighs) And I hate to say it––
JOSIE
––Then don’t say it––
LOTA
––Josie, I think we’re going to have to join forces. Start a support group, maybe, instead of trying to keep up with all of these one-on-ones.
JOSIE
No.
LOTA
Look, you said it yourself, this is exhausting. We don’t know how long Mary’s gonna be gone. And the new ghosts just keep coming. Something big is happening, causing all of these deaths. And I don’t think it’s going to slow down. Not any time soon.
JOSIE
(huffs)
I’ll think about it. But for the record, I hate this idea.
LOTA
Noted.
JOSIE
And I don’t want to think about it tonight. I wanna do something to blow off some steam.
LOTA
(laughing)
Paint the town in ectoplasm, so to speak?
JOSIE
Actually… Actually, I was thinking about something more… domestic.
LOTA
Oooh…
SCENE 27
NARRATOR
(sighs. slightly echoey, from the veil)
Ugggggh fine.
BACKGROUND SFX: Sleigh bells again. Otherworldly background music.
NARRATOR
(sing-song, slightly echoey, from the veil)
…Dead ovens were sourced with particular care, to prepare for a bake-off they soon would declare…
BACKGROUND SFX: Sleigh bells slowly fade out.
SCENE 28
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment tone; traffic sounds outside.
SFX: Baking-show esque music opens the scene; Parker presses a key on her laptop to stop it.
PARKER
(clears throat, and in best baking show host voice announces)
We’ve rounded up three of the afterlife’s finest home bakers, the ovens are pre-heated, and the recipes are set. It’s time for the Great Ghostly––
THE APARTMENT
bake. off.
PARKER
(a bit disgruntled that the apartment stole her thunder)
Our judges, Dr. Alicia Delany, connoisseur of all things baked, and Eulalie Reed, renowned baker of the best lemon bars known to humankind, will be determining the winner of this competition. And we’ll start with one of the most notorious baked goods of all time.
THE APARTMENT
(extended vowels)
fruitcake.
PARKER
The bakers are at their stations, the judges are poised on the edges of their seats. So, all that’s left to say is:
Ready?
Set?
THE APARTMENT
bake.
SFX: A ghostly mixer whirs into action…
EULALIE
(whispering, through laptop)
Parker. The music.
PARKER
(whispering)
Oh! Right!
SFX: Parker fumbles with laptop again. Baking-show esque music ensues. It pauses with a press of the laptop key.
PARKER
Lota is a ghost baker from the UK who spent her final days in the US with her partner and her dogs. Her specialties as a living baker were dog biscuits and, well, regular biscuits––or cookies.
Tell us, Lota, what kind of fruitcake will you be baking for the judges, today?
LOTA
(through laptop)
Yes, I’m making the classic Better Haunts and Graveyards fruitcake recipe. Um, it’s usually got dried apricots, candied pineapple and, um, candied orange peel, and a splash of rum. But of course we’re subject to what we can get via our favorite cosmic loophole, so I’ll be using candied chili mango, candied lime peels, and candied kiwi from one of those dried fruit baskets that’s gone off. And a recently spilled gin barrel finished cider.
THE APARTMENT
tasty.
LOTA
(through laptop)
Yeah, I hope so.
PARKER
Well, you’ve got plenty to do, so we’ll let you get back to it. Our next contestant, Frankie, never baked a day in her life. Or afterlife, either. She’ll be making a traditional Victorian Christmas cake. Tell us about it, Frankie.
FRANKIE
Mama always instructed the cook to prepare one of these for the holidays. I never really cared for it, actually. But needs must.
PARKER
And what spin will you be putting on this historical bake?
FRANKIE
Well, all I’ve managed to gather, fruit-wise, are dried apples and pears. So I’ll be pairing––
PARKER
(snorts)
FRANKIE
(sighs)
Pun not intended. I’ll be… um… combining those with some coffee imperial stout, which Lota assures me is quite good, oatmeal, and a lot of cinnamon and nutmeg.
THE APARTMENT
fruitcake?
PARKER
My co-host raises a valid question: will the judges consider this pared (giggles) down cake a legitimate fruitcake?
FRANKIE
As I really didn’t have much selection, I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.
PARKER
Fair enough. We’ll leave you to it.
SFX: Ghostly kitchen mixer fires up and then fades as Parker moves away.
PARKER
Our final contestant, Josie, has revealed only that she spent a lot of time in New Mexico before her death. She’ll be baking a boozy fruitcake, which Alicia will heartily approve. What’s your approach, Josie?
JOSIE
(through laptop)
Well, I haunted the liquor store for a while and, while nothing broke or got tossed, managed to manifest just enough to rattle a few top-notch bottles of scotch off the shelf. So, I’m making a nice, smoky fruitcake with some of that chili mango Lota snagged, a healthy amount of dried cherries, a bit of Earl Grey tea, and a few dried apples.
THE APARTMENT
mmmmmmm.
PARKER
Agreed!
JOSIE
(through laptop)
(laughs)
PARKER
With only an hour left, the bake off is heating up. And not just because the bakers have cranked up their dead ovens in the attempt to ensure that these dense cakes bake all the way through in time. When we get back, we’ll find out who’s met the judges expectations, and who will go home in flour-covered shame.
After these messages…
SFX: Dramatic Baking-show commercial break music.
SCENE 29
SFX: Smartphone typing…
NICK
Merry Christmas, everyone!
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Nick gets a text.
CAS
Happy Holidays!
SFX: Phone notification as Nick gets a text.
MYRTLE
Warmth and light!
SFX: Phone notification as Nick gets a text.
DANNY
Happy Merry, friends!
SCENE 30
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment tone; traffic sounds outside.
SFX: Baking-show esque music; Parker presses a key on her laptop to stop it.
PARKER
And we’re back. The bakers are preparing to pull their cakes out of the oven, and the judges are gearing up to eat… well, observe, actually––they’re alive, they can’t eat dead food––the results.
Apartment, will you do the honors?
THE APARTMENT
two.
minutes.
left.
SFX: A ghostly kitchen timer starts going off
LOTA
(through laptop)
Ah, crap.
PARKER
Lota, is everything okay?
LOTA
(through laptop)
My cake’s bubbled over a bit and burned at the edges, which doesn’t seem quite right.
PARKER
Oh, I’m sure it will be fine.
LOTA
(through laptop)
(sighing)
I’ve done my best, anyway.
PARKER
Frankie’s never baked before, so I’m sure you’ll make it through.
FRANKIE
Hey! I heard that!
PARKER
(loudly)
Get your cakes on their stands and prepare yourselves to be judged in––
THE APARTMENT
ten
nine
eight
seven
six
five
four
three
two
one
SFX: A timer dings.
PARKER
Hands off the fruitcakes!!!
SFX: Baking-show incidental music.
PARKER
Now, the contestants will present their unique takes on the classic fruit cake to the webcam, one-by-one. Starting with Josie.
JOSIE
(through laptop)
This is a smokey chipotle fruit cake with chili mango, cherries, and oats.
ALICIA
(through laptop)
Ohh, that sounds amazing.
EULALIE
(through laptop)
I can almost imagine that I smell it. Hold it in front of the camera?
ALICIA
(through laptop)
Oh, it holds the cake pan form, nicely. And the icing is drizzled in an enticing way.
EULALIE
(through laptop)
I don’t even like cake, and I’d love to try this if I could.
JOSIE
(through laptop)
It would make you a cake convert, trust me.
PARKER
Thanks, Josie. Now, it’s Lota’s turn in front of the judges.
LOTA
(through laptop)
I accidentally went for a sort of tropical vibe. Chili mango, candied lime peels and pineapple, gin apple cider.
EULALIE
(through laptop)
Ooh, that also sounds amazing.
ALICIA
(through laptop)
It does. Let’s take a look.
EULALIE
(through laptop)
(gasps, laughs)
ALICIA
(through laptop)
Oof. The bake didn’t go so well, huh?
LOTA
(through laptop)
No. I think I used too much sugar and liquid.
PARKER
Oh, that’s too bad, Lota. But I’m sure the judges will take the difficulty sourcing ingredients into account for all of you.
Okay. Now, it’s Frankie’s turn to reveal her fruit cake.
FRANKIE
Mine is a traditional Christmas cake. I’ve used coffee imperial stout, apples, and pears instead of the usual ingredients, though.
ALICIA
(through laptop)
Ooh. Sounds good.
EULALIE
(through laptop)
It does, but does that mean it’s not really a fruit cake? I feel like there has to be more fruit, right?
ALICIA
(through laptop)
Yeah, to be honest, I’ve always thought there was too much fruit in fruit cakes, though.
EULALIE
(through laptop)
That’s fair. Okay, show us the cake?
ALICIA
(through laptop)
(explodes into laughter)
EULALIE
(through laptop)
(trying not to laugh)
Um. What happened to your cake, Frankie?
FRANKIE
The batter was so thick I thought I might need to… knead it? And then it didn’t want to go into the cake tin properly, so I had to sort of… tamp it in? So that it picked up the swirl pattern?
PARKER
(also trying not to laugh)
What a resourceful approach, Frankie.
(clears throat)
So, judges, do we have a winner?
EULALIE
(through laptop)
Yes, I think we do.
ALICIA
(through laptop)
We’ll let the apartment announce the winner.
PARKER
Drumroll please.
SFX: Parker fumbles with the laptop keys and a tinny drumroll sound effect plays
THE APARTMENT
frankie
EULALIE
(through laptop)
Hey, that’s not––
ALICIA
(through laptop)
Wait a minute! We said––
THE APARTMENT
frankie
SFX: Faint poltergeist rumbling ensues, as if the Apartment is daring them to disagree
EULALIE
(through laptop)
Umm, okay. Frankie it is then.
ALICIA
(through laptop)
Congratulations, Frankie.
JOSIE
(through laptop)
I suppose I should’ve seen this coming.
LOTA
(through laptop)
I wonder who really won?
FRANKIE
It certainly shouldn’t have been me––look at this mess.
LOTA
(through laptop)
Well, congratulations anyway.
JOSIE
(through laptop)
Your first bake is something to be celebrated! You’ll have more luck with the actual bake next time.
FRANKIE
I don’t think there’s going to be a next time. The dust of the flour on my hands is excruciating. How do you stand the mess?
JOSIE
(through laptop)
…There’s usually less mess. (pause, laughs) Is that icing in your eyelashes?!
SCENE 31
SFX: Sleigh bells again. Otherworldly background music.
NARRATOR
(petulantly, slightly echoey, from the veil)
…Then they heard Parker say, ere they logged off for the night,
Merry Bakeoff to all, and to all warmth and light
SFX: Sleigh bells slowly fade out.
MARY
(slightly echoey, from the veil)
Are you happy now? Let’s never speak of this again.
CREDITS
BACKGROUND SFX: Long version of the theme (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
COURTNEY
This episode of The Way We Haunt Now was written and directed by Courtney Floyd with creative input by Georgia Mckenzie and Becca Marcus. Our sound designer was Brad Colbroock, and voice acting, in order of appearance, was by:
KIRA
Kira Apple as The Narrator and Mary
GEORGIA
Georgie Mckenzie as Josie
BECCA
Becca Marcus as Lota
MARNIE
Marnie Warner as Parker
ALI
Ali Hylton—
JEFF
Jeff Goldman—
KIRSTY
Kirsty Woolven—
MEGAN
Megan Gwen Davies—
NATALIE
Natalie Hunter—
ALL APARTMENT VOICES
—as The Apartment
COURTNEY
Courtney Floyd as Eulalie
ELEANOR
Eleanor Grey as Frankie
PAUL
Paul H. Rollins as Nick Castlewaight
BRAD
Brad Colbroock as Cas Bromley
TAL
Tal Minear as Myrtle
LINDSAY
Lindsay Zana as Danny
JESS
Jess Winston as Alicia
TIM
Tim Lowe as Jon Harker
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music fades out…
COURTNEY
Fun fact: according to Better Haunts and Graveyards, the fruitcake Lota made should have been baked in a cremation chamber. But apparently those things never say die, so a regular dead oven it had to be. Happy winter holidays, if you celebrate. Don’t forget to check out our website hauntnowpod.com for your gifts… by which I mean transcripts, information about our cast & crew, and more! And, if you’re on Twitter tell us what you would bake if you were a ghost. Don’t forget to tag us at HauntNowPod. And, as always, Haunt Responsibly.
JON HARKER
(a little toasted on egg nog)
Before we move on to the next song from the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, which you’ve heard me say several times tonight is the only acceptable Christmas album, thankyouverymuch…What was I saying?
(hiccups)
It’s the Pumpkin eggnog. So good and so terrible. Oh, yeah.
Before we move on to the next Nightmare Before Christmas track, let me share this…