- The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode Nineteen – The Loophole
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Episode Nineteen – The Loophole
by
Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie
with guest writers Sophie Hughes and Caroline Mincks
COURTNEY
All episodes of The Way We Haunt Now deal thematically with death and dying. Many contain mild horror elements. This episode contains discussion of the pandemic, and deaths related to and caused by COVID-19. Take care, listeners.
SCENE 64
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment, with the TV on in the background; Death’s Cookery plays quietly underneath the scene, the dialogue listed together here for ease. Everyone except Parker and Frankie are talking via video call.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV, in background)
No! No! No! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Wyatt! Did you learn how to cook from a dozen inept rats in a stolen chef’s jacket?! What’s wrong with you???
WYATT
(on TV, in background)
I’m sorry chef. I’m better than this, chef.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV, in background)
I know you are. Why do you think I’m so hard on you? Now, try again.
Flip the egg quickly, before it has a chance to suspect what you’re doing.
WYATT
(on TV, in background)
(sniffles, pulling herself together)
Yes, chef.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV, in background)
And that’s how you make an over-easy egg. (slow claps) Now the rest of you bloody food manglers, have at it.
ALL CONTESTANTS
(on TV, in background)
Yes chef!
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV, in background)
And remember, we’re doing this special breakfast shift to feed some of the most underappreciated, important people in our society: mortuary cosmetologists. So, you’d better not get any eggshell in your sunny side up or I’ll give your soul to my dead grandma for a midmorning snack.
ALL CONTESTANTS
(on TV, in background)
Yes, chef!
MARY
(over video)
The long and short of it is, we have a temporary solution. A loophole, basically. (laughs, wryly) It’s actually simple. Since the Apartment’s contract with you was a lease we just need to find someone to sublease.
SFX: A long beat of silence, with just the TV playing.
MARY
(over video)
It’s not perfect, granted, but it’s a start. And once you’re away from the apartment, we may be able to sever the bond more permanently.
PARKER
Sorry. But wouldn’t that just be putting another ghost in danger?
MARY
(over video)
Well, that’s the beauty of this––the ghost will know what it’s getting into. It will be a willing occupant. So, no. Not at all. (pause) Frankie, what do you think?
FRANKIE
I… I’ll need to think about it.
SFX: Shocked, everyone starts trying to talk at once; so many ghosts talking at once make the electronics freak out, with a high-pitched whine and static noises.
EULALIE
(over video, simultaneously)
Aren’t you excited? I don’t understand why you would need to think about anything here.
LOTA
(over video, simultaneously)
I don’t know what I expected, exactly, but it wasn’t this.
ALICIA
(over video, simultaneously)
Maybe it’s Stockholm Syndrome.
JOSIE
(over video, simultaneously)
It definitely wasn’t this. Just when you think you know a ghost.
PARKER
(simultaneously)
Stop badgering her! She’s a grown person!
MARY
(over video)
Quiet!
SFX: Everyone stops talking, and the electrical interference subsides.
MARY
(over video)
(sighs)
Think about it, then, Frankie. But don’t take too long.
BACKGROUND SFX: Death’s Cookery fades out. Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
KIRA
This is The Way We Haunt Now Episode Nineteen: The Loophole
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme fades out…
SCENE 65
BACKGROUND SFX: Alicia’s apartment room tone; a fan in the background.
SFX: Eulalie types a text message and then sends it.
EULALIE
(groans)
Parker’s being stubborn. She says she isn’t going to force Frankie to talk about this.
ALICIA
She probably has a better sense of the situation than anyone, though, right? Shouldn’t we trust her instincts?
EULALIE
Yes? No? … I don’t know. Maybe? Parker was always the kid at school who would see someone being picked on and defend them from everyone. Even the adults who were trying to help.
ALICIA
Everyone’s doing their best here, Eulalie. We aren’t failing Frankie if she decides to stay. We’re supporting her right to make her own choices.
EULALIE
I know. I just–– (sighs) Part of me thinks if we can help Frankie get out of this binding, things will go back to normal. I’ll get to go home.
ALICIA
(makes a noncommittal sound)
EULALIE
N-it’s not that I don’t like being here with you. I do. It’s just… we’re new. We shouldn’t have to be figuring us out with the added pressure of me having no place to go if…
ALICIA
…if we break up? I don’t see that happening, do you?
EULALIE
No! No, of course not. But I just don’t have the best track record with relationships. Just when I start believing a relationship is actually going to last, things tend to go wrong.
ALICIA
I can see how that might be stressful, but we aren’t your past relationships. Give us a shot on our own terms.
EULALIE
I’m trying.
ALICIA
And give Parker a shot to talk to Frankie on her own terms. This is a complicated situation.
EULALIE
I know. But is it that complicated? I mean… do you think Frankie’s reaction was her own reaction? Or is the apartment influencing her to keep her from leaving?
ALICIA
(sighs)
I don’t know. But if anyone might know, it’s your sister. Who I suspect gets her stubbornness from you.
EULALIE
Hah. Touché.
ALICIA
I have to head to work. We’ve been seeing a lot of pneumonia cases lately and it’s all hands on deck. Are you going to be okay?
EULALIE
Yeah. Yeah. I’ll be fine. I have a big pile of grading to take my mind off things. Have a good night?
SFX: Footsteps, and the opening of the front door.
ALICIA
I’ll try. See you in the morning.
SFX: The front door closes.
SCENE 66
BACKGROUND SFX: Low hum of ghosts chattering. The new ghosts’ dialogue echoes, while Mary, Josie, and Lota’s sounds as normal, with no echo.
AARON
Can’t believe I’m back here.
SFX: A chair is drawn back as Henry heavily lowers himself into it.
HENRY
Well, I’m glad you’re back here. How’ve you been?
AARON
Henry. (sighs) Not great, but… thanks for uh, hanging with me. Outside of group. Thanks.
HENRY
Oh, not a problem. Not like I don’t have time. I have to thank you. Wandering the convalescent home where I passed would be boring as hell.
AARON
So you decided to hang out with some young kid you just met?
HENRY
Damn right. Way more fun than messing with the orderlies.
SFX: Footsteps as Mary walks to the front.
MARY
(flustered, clears her throat)
Hello… all of you. There are quite a lot of you, aren’t there? (nervous laughter) I’m not used to speaking in front of so many people.
JOSIE
(whispering to Lota)
Is Mary…
LOTA
… tongue tied?
JOSIE
Pinch me, I must be dreaming. (beat) Ouch!
LOTA
(laughs)
Well, you did say pinch you.
MARY
(louder, more confident)
I know my colleagues, Lota and Josie, have done their best to begin orienting you to your current situation. Your afterlife. But your situation is different than most new ghosts.
There’s a pandemic going on, though most people aren’t aware yet. The people who do know… it seems they aren’t taking it seriously, yet. And you are some of the people who’ve paid the price for that.
I am sorry, but we are here to help you. You have a community. You are not alone.
And, the Rules, which I’m sure Lota and Josie have shared?
ASSORTED GHOSTS
(murmuring yesses and yeahs and mhmms)
GHOST 2
Do no harm!
GHOST 5
Leave no trace!
GHOST 3
If you smell rosemary, run!
MARY
Good, good, yes. The Rules, are meant to help you navigate your afterlife more successfully, because despite what you may have believed or heard or learned from pop culture, there are many ways to haunt. And they don’t have to destroy you or be used to destroy others.
ASSORTED GHOSTS
(dissatisfied grumbling)
MARY
You’re confused. You’re grieving. You’re angry. We don’t want to invalidate that. You have a right to be. But we want to make sure you have a chance to make informed decisions about how you want to haunt, rather than slipping into some pre-existing archetype. We want to make sure you have a system to support you.
SFX: Focus shifts to Aaron and Henry who are whispering in the audience, while Mary continues speaking indistinctly in the background.
AARON
(whispering to Henry)
Didn’t know there was AA meetings in the afterlife.
HENRY
What you know about that AA life?
AARON
(sighs)
The quick version? Small town, my parents divorced, I was a bored kid with nothing but time to kill and drama to avoid, plus all my older kid friends to pass me some helpers to do just that. Molly, X, weed, acid, and a lot of drinking. By 15, it was way out of hand. Mom, Dad and Stepdad loved me. They banded together, put their collective parenting feet down, got me clean and sober. I’ve been 10 years clean since last April.
HENRY
Huh, you have lived a life! Way to go, my man, Aaron! Had a cousin who was in AA, it worked for him as long as it could. You know, sometimes, them demons don’t stay down, you know? Once his wife died, old habits came roaring back. He went to his peace a few years back. Kinda thought I’d see him but…
AARON
(sighs)
No dice? I thought maybe I’d see my grandma. Maybe we’re only here for a short time. Maybe they already got to “The End” and we’re at “The End Before Credits Roll and Next Time It’s The Real End.”
HENRY
(chuckling)
Yeah, I like those comic book movies, too. Spent a summer with a broken ankle trying to leap from the roof to the garage because I’d gotten a spider bite.
AARON
I gave myself food poisoning trying to make a super-serum when I was 9.
HENRY AND AARON
(both chuckling together)
SFX: Focus shifts back to Mary speaking.
MARY
First things first. Some of you may have figured it out already, but you do not have to stay here at the hospital. Unlike what common literature says, we’re not locked into one location just because we died there. You can travel to––
YLENA
––Can I go see my sister? I need to know how she’s doing.
MARY
(hesitantly)
Yes, you can. But before you go to see family, take a friend. If you haven’t made a friend, make one. Ask myself, Lota or Josie. It can be very upsetting to… see your loved ones when they can’t see you.
SFX: Focus shifts back to Aaron and Henry, speaking quietly in the audience.
AARON
Uh, Henry…
HENRY
Hmmm?
AARON
… Do you mind…?
HENRY
Travel buddies, assemble.
SCENE 67
BACKGROUND SFX: There’s the low murmur of people talking as Mary walks around connecting people.
MARY
Good, John, you’re going with Alex. Wonderful. Susan? Ok, you and Larry. Perfect. Martin, how about you?
SFX: The whir of Lota’s wheelchair draws closer.
LOTA
Looks like everyone is eager to buddy up and go visit family.
JOSIE
(wistfully)
Who could blame them? It’s hard, when you’ve been taken so quickly, without the chance to say goodbye.
LOTA
You know, I don’t think you’ve ever really talked about your family.
SFX: An excited yip as Asha (the spectral labradoodle) runs into the room
JOSIE
Hello, Asha.
SFX: Happy barks from Asha as she scampers around, delighted to be the focus of the humans’ attention, FINALLY.
JOSIE
(continued)
You’re a good girl, aren’t you? I guess, I’m a lot like Asha, here. She found family, when you found her. I never had a family to start. I got found. When I lost that one, I wandered. Then I got found again. Lost that one. Got found again. (sighs) Sometimes, when you learn something as big and important and supposedly permanent as family can be taken – you don’t really go out of your way to make something that can be taken again. Not something so big like that.
LOTA
Josie, I’m sor––
JOSIE
Stop, it’s ok. I mean, I got found again. Here I am with you and Mary and everyone else we adopt. Family.
SFX: Lota engages her power wheelchair joystick, the motor kicks on, and she rolls closer to hugs Josie.
LOTA
Always family.
SFX: Asha yips excitedly as Lota rolls back.
JOSIE
Always, Lota.
SFX: Footsteps draw closer.
MARY
Ylena, you should go with someone. This is not easy.
YLENA
I will be ok, everyone is already paired up. I…I don’t want to bother anyone.
MARY
It’s no bother. I’m sure someone would be happy to buddy with you. Or I can come.
YLENA
I couldn’t ask you to do that, you watch out for so many people already.
JOSIE
I’ll go with you, Ylena.
YLENA
Are you sure, Josie?
JOSIE
(artificially bright)
Absolutely! Now that you’re here, you have family.
YLENA
Thank you. Thank you all so much! I just need to see if my sister…(softly) I was supposed to help with her wedding.
SFX: Josie & Ylena walk away from Mary & Lota. Josie’s next line fades out as they walk away.
JOSIE
Tell me more about your sister and her wedding plans. What kind of dress is she planning to wear?
MARY
That was… unexpected. I didn’t think Josie was the caregiver type.
LOTA
I think… I think she cares a lot more than we ever really knew.
SCENE 68
BACKGROUND SFX: Myrtle’s room, with soft music playing in the background.
MYRTLE
Twenty new messages? And let me guess, not a single one of them will be to say that I was right and that we should maybe stop going after this poltergeist. (sighs, muttering)
Mmmm. Of course not.
SFX: They sit down heavily.
MYRTLE
(confused)
Wait, are they even talking about the case?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
(as though continuing a story)
So then like, everyone on the forum was all, this has got to be poltergeists, right??!! Anyway we need to get back over there.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
Who else is gonna kick ectoplasmic a––
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
I’m down. I have a class to teach at three, but really any time after that is good…
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
Let’s go hunt some poltergeists.
SFX: Pause, then phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
Huh. That felt… anticlimactic.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
It’s because Myrtle didn’t slap you down right away. They will, though. Just wait for it.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
… wait. for. it.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
You there, comrade??
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
I hope everything’s okay. Text when you can.
MYRTLE
(not in text; huffing)
Why am I even reading these? They never listen. Just. UGHHH.
SFX: Myrtle throws their phone into their bag. Then they stomp away, slam the door. There’s a pause, and through the door we hear Myrtle talking to themself.
MYRTLE
(muffled)
Wait, what am I doing? Sticking it to the team by depriving myself of my phone?! Great plan.
SFX: Myrtle opens the door, opens the drawer or bag or whatever, grabs phone, then walks away texting…
SCENE 69
BACKGROUND SFX: The gentle background music from Myrtle’s room in the previous scene still plays underneath the texting.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
I need you to talk me down. Or up. Or into something, or out of something, or….
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
MINCKS
Okay, if I wasn’t worried before I am now. You only get tangled up in prepositions when you’re truly distraught.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
HUGHES
Spill it, friend.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
I’m… well… thinking about leaving You Haint Seen Nothin’ Yet.
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
MINCKS
Good. They never listen to you.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
HUGHES
Mincks.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
MINCKS
Hughes.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
HUGHES
Why only thinking about it? Are you hesitating because you don’t want to lose something, or because you feel guilty?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
MINCKS
That’s… actually a good question.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
HUGHES
Why so surprised? And hush. Give Myrtle the floor.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
It is a good question… and I think it might be both?
SFX: Message sending sound. Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
(sighs)
I don’t know. I joined this team as a favor to Cas.
SFX: Message sending sound. Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
It’s their dissertation topic and they desperately needed the help.
SFX: Message sending sound. Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
But… I also joined the team because I wanted to meet ghosts. And I have. And I love it.
SFX: Message sending sound. Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
I don’t want to miss out on my chance to get a glimpse of something bigger, something extraordinary, just because two of our team members make me feel like a babysitter for a particularly violent group of toddlers most of the time.
SFX: Message sending sound. Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
But, like, I don’t want to be part of something destructive, either. And they’re listening to me less and less.
SFX: Message sending sound. Smartphone typing…
MYRTLE
And if I stay, then I’m complicit. You know? But if I leave, and they do something horrific to some innocent ghost. Who else is even going to try to stop them?
SFX: Message sending sound.
SCENE 70
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie apartment, TV running in the background.
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
This week in the yurt, we have an unprecedented four finalists who must face off in the creation of ever more elaborate and uncanny pies. And, no spoilers, but our showstoppers today will likely evoke a real sense of cosmic horror…
SFX: Competitive Confectionary (piano with a cockerel crowing, the breaking of an egg, an electric whisk, and a timer going off) theme plays.
FRANKIE
(whispering)
Cardea?
THE APARTMENT
hmm?
FRANKIE
(takes a deep breath)
… nothing.
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
Contestants, your skills challenge today might leave you faint of heart or swearing like a sailor. You’ve heard of the turducken? Today, you have to make the turducken of confectionery…
ALL CONTESTANTS
(on TV)
(groan)
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
And remember, the pie components had still better avoid that most fatal of sins: the soggy bottom…
SFX: General clatter of baking on TV.
FRANKIE
(quietly)
It’s just… why me? Why out of all of the souls who’ve lived here did you decide to bond with me? Was I really the first ghost here? The first opportunity you had? Surely––
THE APARTMENT
––no.
FRANKIE
No, I wasn’t the first? Or no, you didn’t choose me? Maybe you really meant to keep Eulalie, and I just got in the way. I––
THE APARTMENT
(impatient)
––no.
chose. you.
FRANKIE
Then…
THE APARTMENT
you. friend.
FRANKIE
Yes, we’re friends, but––
THE APARTMENT
friend. watch.
FRANKIE
But what if I left? Not forever, just for a little while. Would we still be friends, then?
THE APARTMENT
stay.
FRANKIE
Answer my question, Cardea.
SFX: As the conversation in the apartment pauses, we hear the TV dialog more clearly.
EMM
(on TV)
First, it was the snickerdoodle. Now, another American monstrosity: the piecaken. When will the torment end?
THE APARTMENT
friends.
FRANKIE
(breathes out, relieved)
Good.
MARISSA
(on TV)
I’ve heard of these, I think. It’s two pies nested inside a three layer cake. Like some sort of obscene scotch egg. I’d like to sprawl across the floor and wail at the thought of it. It’s almost… sacrilegious, isn’t it?
THE APARTMENT
watch.
now.
soggy.
bottom.
SFX: TV takes over; it sounds less like we’re watching the television and more like we’re there in the yurt. Baking background noises.
SHERIDAN
I ate one of these in the States. Like, the entire thing. All by myself. Can’t say I was impressed.
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
Why’d you eat the whole thing then, kitten?
SHERIDAN
(shrugging)
I was hungry.
WILLIAM
I’ve got no idea what I’m about. But, if I follow this…
SFX: A paper rustles as William flips over the recipe
WILLIAM
(groans, voice going slightly panicky)
…very sparse recipe, then maybe I’ll have something approximating a–a pie-pea- piecaken at the end of this thing…
EMM
How are we supposed to keep the pastry crisp inside of a cake?? This is impossible.
SHERIDAN
Oh, god, I’m going to be sent home based on the skills challenge alone. And mother will be just insufferable about it, won’t she? All (mimics his mother) Sheridan was too good for the competition. They couldn’t handle his light. They had to send him home to give the other contestants a fair shake, didn’t they?
MARISSA
All right. All right. I might pull through after all. (pauses, groans) Who am I kidding? The piecaken is going to be the death of me. I’ll never be able to enjoy cake or pie again after this. They’ll just mock me. They were never meant to be combined. I feel like Victor Frankenstein, throwing together a culinary abomination.
SCENE 71
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie apartment, TV running in the background.
SFX: Competitive Confectionary theme. Phone rings as Parker gets a call; Parker answers…
EULALIE
(on phone)
Have you talked to her, yet?
PARKER
No! Not yet. She needs time to think.
EULALIE
(on phone)
But Mary said there’s not that much time…
PARKER
But Mary’s a ghost just like Frankie. All they’ve got is time. Things are stable here, anyway. I don’t know what’s so urgent. She’s already bonded with the place.
EULALIE
(on phone)
Maybe she’ll give up or being trapped will be bad for her mental health and she’ll make bad decisions and you’ll be in danger. Or maybe the apartment consumes the energy of ghosts and destroys their consciousness and Frankie’s just slowly being … digested by my apartment. Or maybe––
PARKER
––so, you clearly haven’t thought about this at all.
EULALIE
(on phone)
Parker, I’m worried about you.
PARKER
And I’m worried about you! It’s not your fault this happened, you know.
EULALIE
(on phone)
(moans)
PARKER
You’re still trying to recover from a big, bad thing that–that changed your life. And, sure, maybe you’ve made a connection with the ghost who caused it and her gang of spectral friends. But that doesn’t make the big, bad thing any smaller or better. And–And…and I’m worried that maybe you’re blaming yourself and freaking out about it. Which is the last thing you should be doing. Not that anxiety brain takes that kind of logic into account. But…
EULALIE
(stubborn silence)
PARKER
Eulalie??!
EULALIE
(on phone)
(sighs)
Fine. I will take a break and give Frankie some time and take care of myself. But goddamn it, Parker, I am so tired of having to be aware of all of this shit all the time.
PARKER
Ghost shit, or?
EULALIE
(on phone)
Brain shit. Having a nervous system that’s basically a baker’s dozen of agitated chihuahuas in a suit coat. Having to think about my body like it’s some wealthy two year old and I’m its fucking nanny.
PARKER
Well, you are (sing-song) “practically perfect in every way,” so I guess them’s just the breaks.
EULALIE
(on phone)
(snorts)
Are you about to prescribe me a spoonful of sugar?
PARKER
(laughs)
No, because you’re supposed to be the nanny. That’s your job.
EULALIE
(on phone)
(laughing)
Right, right…
PARKER
You should know that. You’re the one with the (like she’s extremely posh) graduate degree in literature.
SCENE 72
BACKGROUND SFX: Myrtle’s room, with soft music playing in the background.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
Wait. So, there’s another new poltergeist?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
Maybe?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
What are even the odds of that, though?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
Extremely low.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
Infinitesimally low.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
Which is why we have to investigate. Something weird is going on, and it’s going to get ugly.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
Or we’re gonna make it ugly.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
Dude. Maybe it’s the fact that Myrtle isn’t here, but I gotta say — you need to chill.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
Yeah, what happened to your elf friend? She really had a calming effect on you.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
She had to go back North after the holiday.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
Wait, really? Like…
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
I’m not touching this one.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.t
NICK
Like a real elf? No, man. She’s visiting her grandma in Canada.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
Anyway…This is serious. We could be at the start of some kind of … outbreak. People are going to get hurt if we don’t stop it.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
I get it, Danny, I really do. But we can’t make decisions on new cases unless the whole team is present.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
What’s up with Myrtle, lately, anyway?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
It’s like they ghosted us.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
You did not just go there.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
What?!
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
Pun jail.
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
NICK
What pun?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
DANNY
But seriously, have you heard from Myrtle, Cas?
SFX: Phone notification as Myrtle gets a text.
CAS
No, not for a few days.
MYRTLE
What’s the point of texting? They won’t listen. (sighs, then mutters) They’re going to destroy a friendly neighborhood full of poltergeists. Or, they’re going to go get themselves killed by a friendly neighborhood full of poltergeists.
SFX: Smartphone typing sound…
MYRTLE
I’m here. What’s up?
SFX: Myrtle’s phone blows up with texts…
CREDITS
BACKGROUND SFX: Long version of the theme (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
COURTNEY:
This episode of The Way We Haunt Now was written by Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie with help from ghost––erm, guest––writers Caroline Mincks and Sophie Hughes. Sound design was by Brad Colbroock, and voice acting, in order of appearance, was by:
KIRA
Kira Apple as Mary
WILL
Will Stephenson as Angry British Chef
MARNIE
Marnie Warner as Parker
LAUREN GRACE THOMPSON
Lauren Grace Thompson as Wyatt, a Death’s Cookery contestant
AUSTIN
Austin Backman as Sam, a Death’s Cookery contestant
BRYAN
Bryan Green as Dave, a Death’s Cookery contestant
JERRON
Jerron Bacat as Billy, a Death’s Cookery contestant
MICHELLE
Michelle Han as Madison, a Death’s Cookery contestant
ELEANOR GREY
Eleanor Grey as Frankie
COURTNEY
Courtney Floyd as Eulalie
JESS
Jessica Winston as Alicia
BECCA
Becca Marcus as Lota
GEORGIA
Georgia Mckenzie as Josie
DANNY
Danny Spiller as Aaron
DAVID
David S. Dear as Henry
IVAN
Ivan Divino as Assorted Ghosts
KIONA
Kiona Bashful Echo as Assorted Ghosts
ARIANE
Ariane Marchese as Assorted Ghosts
TETISUKA
Tetisuka as Assorted Ghosts
SHAUN
Shaun Grace as Assorted Ghosts
MARITZA
Maritza Rodriguez as Ylena
CHARLIE (the dog)
(howls)
COURTNEY
Charlie Bucket as Asha, the spectral labradoodle
LINDSAY
Lindsay Zana as Danny
PAUL
Paul H. Rollins as Nick Castlewaight
BRAD
Brad Colbroock as Cas Bromley
TAL
Tal Minear as Myrtle
CAROLINE
Caroline Mincks as Mincks and Sophie Hughes as Hughes
TIM BRIGGS
Tim Briggs as Competitive Confectionary Host
ALI
Ali Hylton—
JEFF
Jeff Goldman—
KIRSTY
Kirsty Woolven—
MEGAN
Megan Gwen Davies—
NATALIE
Natalie Hunter—
ALL APARTMENT VOICES
—as The Apartment
ADAM
Adam Lloyd as Sheridan, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
ALEXANDER
Alexander Doddy as William, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
ELEANOR ANWEN
As Emm, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
SARAH
Sarah McManus as Marissa, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music fades out…
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY HOST
Need to cleanse your palates after witnessing the piecaken atrocities? Have we got just the thing…
PROMO: HUGHES & MINCKS: GHOST DETECTIVES
(Click to be taken to the transcript)