The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode One – The Phonograph
- Music:
- “The Way We Haunt Now Theme” by Courtney Floyd
- Link to PDF transcript
- For more information: www.hauntnowpod.com
- Twitter: @HauntNowPod
- Instagram: @HauntNowPod
Episode One – The Phonograph
SCENE 1
SFX: footsteps and traffic sounds, a shop bell rings as someone walks through a door, the sounds of shopping fade in (and continue throughout scene). A perky tone sounds on the PA system, and a computerized voice says “––the very thing you’ve been searching for. This month, one percent of every sale goes to the local SPCA. Happy shopping.” The perky tone repeats.
EULALIE: (Internal monologue) So this is what finally ends me. Not the depression. Not the breakup. Not showing up late to work one time too many and losing my contract and becoming homeless and starving to death. No. Leave it to me to come up with a shiny new impulse shopping problem at the worst possible time. My therapist is going to be thrilled.
THRIFT SHOP CUSTOMER: It’s a beaut, isn’t it? They don’t make ’em like that anymore.
EULALIE: It’s gorgeous.
THRIFT SHOP CUSTOMER: Sort of calls to you, doesn’t it?
EULALIE: (Fascinated and horrified) It does.
SFX: the whirring sound of a phonograph cylinder starting up fades in.
EULALIE: (Talking to herself in a half-whisper) It’s almost like it’s singing, even though it isn’t making a sound.
SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in
COURTNEY: (V.O.) This is The Way We Haunt Now, Episode One: The Phonograph
SFX: Theme music fades out, footsteps fade in. Eulalie sets the phonograph down at the checkout counter.
THRIFT SHOP EMPLOYEE: Find everything you needed?
EULALIE: Yep. (Internal) If by needed you mean exactly the opposite. What am I doing? I can’t afford this. I’m going to be eating peanut butter sandwiches for the rest of the year.
THRIFT SHOP EMPLOYEE: Hey, your lucky day. Green tag is fifty percent off.
EULALIE: Really? Cool! (Internal) Even at half-off this thing’s gonna make it tricky to cover rent.
SFX: cash register and receipt printing sounds
THRIFT SHOP EMPLOYEE: I just need your signature and you’re good to go.
EULALIE: Ok.
SFX: receipt paper rustles, Eulalie signs the receipt.
THRIFT SHOP EMPLOYEE: Have a good one.
EULALIE: Thanks! You, too.
SFX: On the PA, the perky tone sounds again. Eulalie walks toward the door. The computerized voice says “Here at Trash 2 Treasure we believe upcycling is not just a cool hobby, it’s a way of live. So we’ve partnered with the public library to offer weekly crafting classes. For more information talk to one of our valued team members or visit us at our website. And remember, shopping at Trash 2 Treasure is sustainability in action. Shop bell rings as door opens. The sound of traffic replaces the shop sounds.
EULALIE: (groaning) What am I even gonna do with you? I mean, you’re pretty and all, but you probably don’t even work.
SFX: The sound of a bus pulling away from a stop.
EULALIE: No, wait!
SFX: Eulalie runs after the bus, but it keeps going.
EULALIE: (close to crying) Great. Now I’m going to be late.
SCENE 2
SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing fades in…
NARRATOR: Eulalie Elizabeth Reed, like pretty near everyone on this stress ball we call a planet, was haunted by lots of things. Paths not taken. Failed relationships. Mistakes. Fears. Hopes. But she’d never been properly haunted before. That was about to change.
SFX: The ghostly soundscape fades out…
SCENE 3
SFX: The noise of people chattering in a hallway, footsteps, louder classroom noise, the classroom door closes.
EULALIE: (breathless) Hi class. Sorry I’m late.
SFX: Eulalie slides the phonograph onto the desk.
STUDENT 1 (KAIA): What’s that, Ms. Reed?
STUDENT 2 (MATT): Yeah, what’s with the box?
EULALIE: This…
SFX: Eulalie unlatches the phonograph case and opens it.
EULALIE: …(huffs) is a phonograph. I saw it on the way here and I just couldn’t help myself.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): Is that like, one of those old-timey music things?
EULALIE: Yep. Pretty cool isn’t it?
STUDENT 1 (KAIA): Let’s hear some TayTay.
SFX: Scattered student laughter.
EULALIE: (laughs) I doubt it works, but I’ll give it a shot.
SFX: Metallic clanking sounds as Eulalie affixes the horn.
EULALIE: It looks like there’s a cylinder in here, so our lucky day. I’ve just got to get this handle attached…
SFX: Metal clicks as handle attaches.
EULALIE: …ahh there it is. And slide this on here.
SFX: A clicking sound, Eulalie starts to crank the phonograph handle. The phonograph begins to whir, but it sounds rough and then there’s metal clanking and a loud pop. Eulalie yelps and students shout in surprise. A ticking clock fades in.
EULALIE: I…uh (breathing hard) I guess we won’t be listening to this today, afterall. (Pause) Gosh. How is it already 9:45?! We’ve got to get to business.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): Will you bring it back in when you get it working again?
EULALIE: If I get it working again? Sure, why not? Now, can anybody tell me what we were supposed to talk about today?
STUDENT 2 (MATT): (loud whisper) Remember me when I am gone away.
SFX: Scary sound. (Think Friday the 13th!)
EULALIE: (almost scared) What’s that?
STUDENT 2 (MATT): I… (clears throat) I don’t know why I said that. Um. We–– we were going to talk about Heathcliff?
STUDENT 1 (KAIA): Yeah, and Cathy’s ghost.
SFX: Fluorescent lights buzz and flicker.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): What the heck?!
STUDENT 2 (MATT): Who turned the lights out?
SFX: Students mutter, the mechanical window shutters close by themselves, the scary sound repeats.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): You doing this on purpose, Ms. Reed?
EULALIE: No, um, I must’ve leaned against the controls. Just a second.
SFX: Scrambles with things on desk, hits controls, shutters open again and lights flicker back on.
EULALIE: (sigh) There. Okay, so Heathcliff and Cathy’s ghost and Mr. Lockwood.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): (loud whisper) When you can no more hold me by the hand.
SFX: Louder scary sound.
STUDENT 1 (KAIA): What the fluff did you just say?
SFX: Students mutter in response.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): I didn’t say anything.
STUDENT 1 (KAIA): You did though.
STUDENT 2 (MATT): Yeah.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): Sure.
STUDENT 1 (KAIA): You just creepy whispered like Matt did earlier.
STUDENT 2 (MATT): Y–– u–– Wait. Creepy whispering? What did I do?
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): Not me, mate.
SFX: student muttering continues in background.
EULALIE: All right, all right. Everyone, just take a deep breath. (takes a deep breath). It’s been a long week, and I’m sure we’re all stressed. So, let’s plan to share thoughts and questions about today’s reading on the course blog instead…by, say, five pm tomorrow? And let’s call it a day. How’s that sound?
SFX: Bag zippers, rustling, students packing up.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): Sounds good to me. You guus are tripping today, is all I’m saying.
SFX: Students packing up continues, students start to file out the door.
STUDENT 2 (MATT): You, uh, you have a good weekend, Ms. Reed.
STUDENT 3 (ALEX): (one-upping Matt) Have a great weekend.
EULALIE: See you Monday!
SFX: Students leave, door closes.
SCENE 4
SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing fades in…
NARRATOR: Did I say Eulalie was about to be properly haunted? Silly of me. What I should have said was that the ghost into whose path she’d stumbled that crisp autumn morning was about to haunt her like it was 1899. We don’t do hauntings like that anymore. Proper hauntings, these days, are much less…cruel.
SFX: Ghostly soundscape fades out…
SCENE 5
SFX: Traffic sounds. Bus pulls into stop and doors open.
EULALIE: (talking to herself) Well, that was great. I hope they don’t remember this when evaluations come around.
SFX: Eulalie gets on bus, passenger sounds replace street traffic sounds.
EULALIE: Excuse me (PAUSE) sorry (PAUSE) excuse me (PAUSE) excuse me (PAUSE) excuse me, sorry, excuse me.
SFX: Eulalie plops phonograph down, sits next to it, and sighs. The bus pulls away from the stop. Passengers keep chatting in the background.
SFX: Stop request ding. Bus recording says “Stop requested. Amazon Station.” Bus keeps going for a bit, bus voice repeats “Amazon Station” as the bus stops, doors open, a man thanks the bus driver as he gets off the bus. The bus pulls back into traffic.
EULALIE: (talking to the phonograph) Next one’s us.
SFX: Stop request ding. Bus recording says “Stop requested.” Then crackles like a phonograph as it continues “Remember me when I am gone away.” Scary sound. Eulalie’s heartbeat skyrockets because HECK NO.
EULALIE: (Voice high and tight) What did it just say?!
BUS PASSENGER: Fox Hollow. You okay, dude?
SFX: Eulalie’s heartbeat fades back to normal.
EULALIE: (distracted) Yeah, thanks.
BUS PASSENGER: ‘Cause I’ve got some bud if you need––
EULALIE: No, thanks though. I’m… (sighs) I’m good. Just had a long day.
BUS PASSENGER: Aight. Your call man.
SFX: Bus recording says “Fox Hollow” and doors open.
EULALIE: Thanks again. This is me…
SFX: Eulalie gets off bus, walks away bus and traffic sounds fade…
SCENE 6
SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing fades in…
NARRATOR: The irony of the whole thing was that, if it had been happening in a book, Eulalie would have caught on in time. She’d have noticed the tropes, anticipated what was coming. But it wasn’t happening in a book, it was happening to her. And she was happening to it, rushing headlong into the jaws of an old-school ghost story come to life. It takes two to make a haunting, afterall.
SFX: Ghostly soundscape fades out…
SCENE 7
SFX: Traffic sounds, keys jangling, creaky door being unlocked and pushed open. Air conditioner sounds replace traffic. Door closes.
EULALIE: (sighing) Okay, what do you say we get you taken apart so I can figure out how to fix you?
SFX: Eulalie takes a couple of steps and then sets down the phonograph, her phone, and her keys.
EULALIE: Don’t worry. I have fixed things before. An old sewing machine and a typewriter, really, but that’s something. And my dad was a mechanic. I used to putter around with him in his shop when I was little, and I learned a thing or two. So, I’m not just some hack who’s going to pull you apart and then put you back together wrong or slather your gears in oil instead of lube or, I don’t know, turn your pieces into some bulky jewelry and sell it online.
SFX: Eulalie pats the phonograph case softly. It hums each time.
EULALIE: I don’t really know why I’m talking to you, except that it’s been a rough day. A rough year, really. And it’s better than talking to myself, which is what I usually do since––well, since I don’t have a …roommate…anymore. (PAUSE) Anyway. Don’t worry, I’ll get you working in no time. Just, give me a bit to change and eat and I’ll get started tonight.
SFX: Eulalie walks away and up the stairs. She closes the door behind her. The sound of a phonograph playing and crackling fades in slowly. We hear bits and pieces of someone’s voice. Scary sound.
CREDITS
SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in
COURTNEY: (V.O.) This episode of The Way We Haunt Now is written, directed, and produced by Courtney Floyd with voice acting (in order of appearance) by:
- COURTNEY Courtney Floyd as Eulalie
- KYA: Kya Dirschl as the Thrift Shop Customer
- STEPHANIE: Stephanie Flint as the Thrift Shop Employee
- KIRA: Kira Apple as the Narrator
- MEG: Meghan Griffin as Kaia
- COLE: Cole Burkhardt as Matt
- LIZA: Liza Holmes as Alex
- SOPHIA: Sophia DeRise as the Bus Passenger
- ELEANOR: Eleanor Grey as Frankie
COURTNEY: Whether you’re new to the spirit world or simply a ghost in need of some entertainment, you can visit www.hauntnowpod.com for more episodes as well as information about our cast and crew, content warnings, transcripts, and links to our social media.
SFX: Theme music fades out
COURTNEY: Remember to haunt responsibly!