Transcript: Episode Seven – The Rulebreaker

The word transcript in blocky marker style script, over a background of greenish turquoise brick.

The Way We Haunt Now

Episode Seven – The Rulebreaker
Music:
- You Haint Seen Nothin’ Yet theme by Courtney Floyd
- “Ghosts (Here’s the Thing)” Performed by Actual Pants and written by Courtney Floyd
- “Ghosts” by Chamomile (available under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license on the Free Music Archive)

Link to PDF transcript
For more information: www.hauntnowpod.com
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Episode Seven – The Rulebreaker

Courtney: Hey there specters and spectators, this episode contains live animal sounds [7:03 – 7:27] (specifically a dog barking) and traffic sounds [20:35 – 20:40] that may be alarming. So, if either of those things are likely to bother you, please check the transcripts before listening.

SCENE 39

SFX: Hospital monitor beeping and ghost house ambiance (floor boards creaking, a spooky breeze, and windchimes) in background throughout scene…

MARY: I’m going to have to insist that you stay away from the hospital and the apartment until we’re absolutely sure the danger is past.

FRANKIE: Of my becoming a poltergeist?

MARY: Right. I’m making inquiries to see if a… Well, I said I’d be frank and I will. To see if a poltergeist formation has ever been successfully averted. I might be away for the rest of the day. But I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Josie and Lota.

FRANKIE: Thank you for going to all of this trouble.

MARY: It’s nothing. Just promise you’ll stay away from the apartment and the hospital. At least for now.

FRANKIE: Of course. I promise.

MARY: Okay, then. I’m off. I’ll just…

SFX: Mary knocks

JOSIE: (off) Come in!

MARY: …leave you with Josie. I believe she has something to discuss with you.

SFX: A whoosh as Mary leaves.

FRANKIE: Thank you again… (Muttering to self) oh, you’re already gone.

SFX: Doorknob rattles and door creaks as Frankie opens Josie’s door.

FRANKIE: Hello? You wanted to speak to me.

JOSIE: Oh, hey Frankie. How do you feel about pants?

FRANKIE: Good morning to you, as well. And… Uhmm.. You mean trousers? Like yours?

JOSIE: Sure. Trousers.

FRANKIE: I was never allowed to try them when I was (PAUSE) when I was alive. What are they like?

JOSIE: (incredulous and a little stumped) What are they like? What are pants like?

FRANKIE: Yes, what are they like?

JOSIE: Well, for one thing, they’re a heckuva lot lighter than that gown you’re wearing. There are fancy pants and work pants and lounging pants. And all of them–every single kind, except maybe slacks––are like…freedom. They let you move pretty much however you need to.

They have deep pockets and they keep your legs warm and they show off your figure and they mean you’re ready to jump or run or hang upside down at a moment’s notice. When they fit right, they’re like old friends––they make you feel safe but also make you feel like a million dollars. And believe me, if I make ’em, they’ll fit just right.

FRANKIE: (a little stunned) Oh. Well, in that case, I’d like to try them. If it’s no trouble.

JOSIE: It’s what I’m here for.

SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…

COURTNEY: (V.O.) This is The Way We Haunt Now, Episode Seven: The Rulebreaker

SFX: Theme music fades out.

JOSIE: I’ll just need your measurements. And then we need to talk about tops. Are you more of a blouse, t-shirt, or tunic woman?

FRANKIE: ––I

JOSIE: Who am I kidding? We’ll do one of each and see what works. Stand taller, will you?

FRANKIE: Mhmm.

JOSIE: All right. This just goes around your waist.

SFX: Josie stretching out a measuring tape.

FRANKIE: Right.

JOSIE: (Laughs) Oh yeah. I keep forgetting you’re old school and you’ve had clothes tailored before.

FRANKIE: Old school?

JOSIE: It means…

FRANKIE: Something like old-fashioned, I’d wager. I’m not sure I appreciate being called antiquated.

JOSIE: That’s…I didn’t mean…(sighs) I apologize. All I meant was that you lived in a different time, and some things I usually need to explain to folks who died more recently might actually be normal for you.

FRANKIE: There is something I still need explained, though.

JOSIE: What’s that?

FRANKIE: The rules. They’re…well, a bit opaque, aren’t they? I suppose I understand the “do no harm” bit, given my recent haunting experience. But…

JOSIE: You’re hoping for some clarification. I feel you. I was there once myself. Ask any one of us what the rules mean, and you’ll get a different answer. Heck, ask me again in a day or two and I might say something different depending on the situation. But I’ll give it a shot.

Do no harm doesn’t just mean “do no harm to humans,” way I see it. I’d say it means do no harm to humans or yourself or your fellow spirits. But does that mean don’t haunt at all? Hard to say. Sometimes harm can be in the doing, sometimes harm can be in the not doing. Do you follow?

FRANKIE: Maybe? Not really?

JOSIE: It’ll come. Some things you have to learn as you go.

FRANKIE: What about “leave no trace”? Isn’t haunting a trace?

JOSIE: Yes, it is. But that rule is more about evidence than anything. Recordings. Photographs. Videos.

FRANKIE: What are “videos”?

JOSIE: Films. Moving pictures. We have lots of fun new technologies today, and some folks just want to use them to capture evidence that ghosts are real. Which is a really bad thing.

FRANKIE: Because of the ghost hunters?

JOSIE: Right. Now, hold still. I need to get the rest of your measurements.

SFX: Measuring tape, pencil scratching as Josie writes down measurements.

FRANKIE: What sort of fabric do you use to make clothing for the spirits of the dead?

JOSIE: Dead fabric. Selvedges, scraps, recycled bits and bobs. When things die, figuratively or literally, they usually manifest in this…place…at least for a few moments. If I’m fast and I’m lucky I can catch hold before they disappear. (Breathes). Look, I know you have about a million more questions. But I have work to do.

FRANKIE: Of course. Thank you.

SFX: Sewing machine fires up, slowly winds down.

JOSIE: (off) Was there something else?

FRANKIE: I’m just… You didn’t say anything about the third rule. The one about the rosemary?

SFX: Ghost whoosh as Josie moves rapidly across the room.

JOSIE: There’s nothing ambiguous about it, Frankie. Promise me––if you smell rosemary, you run. No hesitation. No questions asked. You may have died, but there are worse things.

FRANKIE: (confused, a bit scared) I promise?

JOSIE: Good. Now, if you don’t mind, I have some sewing to finish. Lota should be around somewhere.

FRANKIE: Right, yes, of course.

SFX: Sewing machine fires back up, fades out…

SCENE 40

SFX: Ghost dog barking. Traffic and birds chirping in background throughout scene. Hospital monitor beeping faintly throughout scene.

LOTA: It’s okay, girl. We’re here to help.

SFX: Ghost dog barking and growling tentatively.

FRANKIE: I don’t think she wants help.

SFX: More barking…

LOTA: Oh, she wants help. She just doesn’t know if she can trust us, yet. That’s why I brought these.

SFX: Treat bag rustling.

SFX: Ghost dog barks one more time and runs away.

FRANKIE: Food? How is that even possible––oh wait, don’t tell me. They’ve just gone off in the living world. And because of an enormous cosmic loophole, that means they’re technically “dead.”

LOTA: That’s right. How’d you know?

FRANKIE AND LOTA: Josie.

LOTA: (Laughs) I should’ve known. Yes, the cosmic loophole did it’s thing and I just happened to be haunting the pet store when it did and voilà: treats for the stray spectral labradoodle. One of these days, she’ll be ready.

FRANKIE: (exasperated) This is all so much more complicated than I thought it would be.

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick clicks and motor whirs…

LOTA: Rescuing ghost dogs? Or the afterlife?

FRANKIE: (laughs)The afterlife. Back in my day, one was stuck in the clothes one died in and basically floated around in the aether without recourse to food or other material goods.

LOTA: Was it really like that? Or is that what the living assumed must be the case?

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick clicks and motor stops…

FRANKIE: I––hmm.

LOTA: At my funeral, there were a few well-meaning, awful people who stood up and gave speeches about how I was “free” now. “Free” from my disability. “Free” from my wheelchair. As though my disability isn’t part of who I am. As though my wheelchair isn’t one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Her name is Sally, and with her I could go pretty much anywhere I wanted when I was alive. Provided there were ramps. She––She’s part of me, so of course she’s here with me in the afterlife.

FRANKIE: How awful of them.

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick clicks and motor whirs…

LOTA: My point is, people like to talk a big game about things they don’t understand. Sometimes, they get lucky and say something that’s not completely wrong. But for the most part, you have to take what they say with a grain of salt.

The afterlife is big and weird and, you’re right, complicated. I think it’s probably always been this way. Because the dead have always had to grapple with their ties to the living.

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick clicks and motor whirs…

LOTA: We’ve always needed ways to reach out, to do our best to make sure the folks we left behind––human and animal alike––are going to be okay. And, since we’re still thinking and feeling and doing in close proximity to all of that warm and bustling life, we still need to feel like we have a purpose here. A way to make meaning.

FRANKIE: And that’s why you have the rules?

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick click and motor stops…

LOTA: Yes. To protect ourselves and the living from that proximity, that need.

FRANKIE: I…see.

LOTA: You’re a kind of unique case, but most of us…

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick click and motor whirs…

LOTA: (Deep breath) Most of us still have family and friends living when we pass. And it can be hard to know how to handle that. Because there’s a new distance there, no matter what your relationship to your family was before. But there’s also this tantalizing closeness. This ability to watch and listen and haunt. The temptation to reach out. To manifest. To speak. Some people can handle visits from a dead loved one, but most can’t. And it’s easy for us to lose ourselves in the grief, to lash out at the living because we feel so helpless…unless we can find something else to focus on. I––It’s just as rough when your family eventually passes. Because not everyone stays here.

FRANKIE: You’re saying my family could be out there haunting?

LOTA: That’s not wha…

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick click and motor stops…

LOTA: I? Yes, they might. But it’s unlikely.

SFX: Power wheelchair joystick click and motor whirs…

FRANKIE: And I could find them and talk to them again?

LOTA: …yes, possibly.

SFX: Power wheelchair motor whirring gets higher, lots of joystick clicking as Lota navigates…

FRANKIE: I could look into my mother’s face, wearing these…pants…Josie is making me and tell her that her rules were harmful and ridiculous and wrong?

LOTA: M…hmmmm?

FRANKIE: I could tell my father that he should’ve intervened, instead of burying himself in the newspaper and hiding at the club? And I could see my brother and sister. Tell them that I’ve missed them. Find out what their lives were like.

LOTA: (muttering to self) I’m clearly not needed in this conversation anymore.

FRANKIE: (off) I could track down Sarah Melmotte and tell her that the only thing worse than her patronizing visits were her horrible pamphlets. Oh! Oh! Oh! Maybe Bow-wow is haunting with my family. Wouldn’t that be amazing!

SFX: Power wheelchair and Frankie’s voice both fade out…