- The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode Seventeen – The Exorcism (Redux)
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EPISODE 17: THE EXORCISM (REDUX)
by Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie
COURTNEY
All episodes of The Way We Haunt Now deal thematically with death and dying. Many contain mild horror elements. This episode contains a brief discussion of alcohol consumption and inebriation, as well as brief mention of violence against an animal and animal death. Take care, listeners.
SCENE 49
BACKGROUND SFX: A car interior, cruising down the interstate.
NICK
(clears throat)
So, are we gonna turn on the radio or…
MYRTLE, DANNY, and CAS
No!
NICK
Oooookay then. (beat, then singing) Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la la, ‘Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la––
DANNY
––is there a reason you’re singing a Christmas song in March, dude?
NICK
What?
DANNY
Really, that’s how you’re gonna play this?
NICK
I wasn’t––
MYRTLE
We all heard that, Nick.
CAS
Yeah, Myrtle’s right. And now we all demand an explanation.
NICK
(huffs and then talks really fast and quiet)
Remember that…e–– woman I’ve been dating? Deck the Halls is kinda our song.
CAS
Could you speak up a bit, buddy? I don’t think we heard you.
NICK
(humphs)
MYRTLE
Ah, cut Nick some slack, he might be about to break up. Accidentally. Because of us. And anyway, shouldn’t we be talking strategy?
DANNY
How much strategy do we need? We get there, we set up our circle, and we do the ritual. Bing, bang, boom. Nick’s thing is much more interesting, at this point.
MYRTLE
(almost speechless with how done they are)
Bing? Bang? Boom?
SFX: Car swerves, Danny yelps.
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
LINDSAY
This is The Way We Haunt Now Episode Seventeen: The Exorcism (Redux)
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme fades out…
SCENE 50
BACKGROUND SFX: A trippy, out of this world soundscape with ticking stopwatches; we’re in the Veil. All voices here sound echoey.
NARRATOR
As I raced back home with a breakthrough to share, the ghost hunters raced to finish what they’d started just a few months ago.
Coincidence? Not really. The universe has a frequently perverse sense of humor.
So, just to annoy it, I’ll fill you in on a little secret: I didn’t make it back in time.
BACKGROUND SFX: Fades out…
SCENE 51
BACKGROUND SFX: Outdoor nature noises, a gentle breeze and birds chirping, with distant traffic in the background.
SFX: A car trunk slams shut, a heavy duffle bag drops onto concrete. Footsteps.
NICK
(grunts)
That’s the last of the gear.
CAS
Good. Let’s get set up.
NICK
Are we heading in the same way we did last time?
CAS
Nope. No need to go inside.
SFX: A duffle bag zipper unzips, plastic bags crinkle.
DANNY
(grunts as she rifles through the duffle bag)
Just let me grab the chalk and we can start setting up our circle.
MYRTLE
(weary)
I’ll set up the cameras and mics.
NICK
Don’t forget your walkie!
MYRTLE
Already have it.
SFX: Myrtle blarps their walkie and then walks away.
CAS
(distracted, to Myrtle) Thanks. (to Danny and Nick) We’ll need a five pointed star inside the circle. Danny you can do the drawing, Nick and I will place the focus objects.
SFX: Breeze kicks up.
CAS
The weather’s gonna make parts of this tricky, so we’ll save the lighter objects until the last minute.
SFX: A wraith racoon chitterd and scampers away…
SCENE 52
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment room tone, TV humming in the background…
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
After his big win last weekend, Sheridan bombed in our skills challenge. Poor bloke. So, a lot is riding on his showstopper. But will this precarious stack of ambitious choux buns be enough to get him through to the semifinals? Only time will tell. Speaking of time…
(to the bakers)
You have one hour.
SFX: A gong sounds.
EMM
(on TV)
(groans)
WILLIAM
(on TV)
(sighs, resignedly)
MARISSA
(on TV)
Oh, no. I’ll never finish in time.
SHERIDAN
(on TV)
I felt like the cat’s silk pajamas last weekend, I really did. But I’ve had a disastrous day, and I think I’ll be the one heading home.
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
(conversationally, to Sheridan)
How can I help? Shall I stand here propping them up? Or pop out for some glue?
SHERIDAN
(on TV)
(laughs)
The trick is going to be keeping these bad boys standing for another hour. It’s, uh…It’s not looking great. I’ll figure something out. Hopefully.
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
Well, keep your chin up.
SFX: Baking sounds and muted (not quite audible) voices while Parker and Frankie talk
FRANKIE
Pssst.
PARKER
(takes a second to respond)
Uh…Uh-huh?
FRANKIE
Pssst. Come over here. Please.
SFX: Parker walks away from TV, to a window.
FRANKIE
(whispering)
There’s someone outside.
PARKER
…Okay.
FRANKIE
(whispering)
No. Not “okay.” It’s those… ghost hunters.
PARKER
Shit. Really?
SFX: Parker pulls down the blinds with a finger and peeks outside.
FRANKIE
Mhmmm.
PARKER
Shit. (to herself) Oh…what do we do what do we do what do we do? Do I call 911 if they try to break in? Will that do any good if they’re able to do whatever weird spell they probably have and (makes euphemistic “murder” sound) Frankie?
(sighs, then says aloud but still mostly to herself)
I have to call Eulalie.
SFX: Phone keypad sounds.
SCENE 53
BACKGROUND SFX: A pub; there’s the hum of a busy room, the clink of glasses and sound of people moving. This is a real place. There just happens to be a ghost bartender.
SFX: Phone ringing, it’s answered.
EULALIE
(slurring a bit)
Parker?
PARKER
(on phone, talking fast)
Hey, sis. Long time no talk. We should probably catch up at some point but right now all I really have to say is two words: Ghost Hunters.
EULALIE
(slightly less slurry as she tries to focus)
I… am going to need a couple more words.
PARKER
(on phone)
Okay: Here. Now.
EULALIE
What? Really?!!?
PARKER
(on phone)
Yeah. So, what do I do? I don’t think I should call the cops. On principle and because they won’t know how to help. But what if these weirdos try to break in again? What if they… finish the exorcism?
FRANKIE
(on phone)
I’d very much like them not to finish the exorcism, if possible.
EULALIE
Is that…?
PARKER
(on phone)
Frankie? Yeah. And you heard the ghost. We’d very much like to prevent this bullshit exorcism.
EULALIE
(stunned)
Uh-huh.
PARKER
(on phone)
Eulalie… where are you anyway?
EULALIE
…at a brewery
PARKER
(on phone)
Are you–– are you drunk?
EULALIE
(burps, indignant)
No. No. (slurry) Just a little tipsy. (pause) I’ll catch the bus and be right there. Just hold on, Parker. And if they break in, don’t do anything reckless.
PARKER
(on phone)
I think maybe you should head home. We’ll…We’ll figure something out.
EULALIE
Don’t tell me what to do. I’m the big sister. And we have no idea what these ghost hunters are capable of.
FRANKIE
(on phone and way too chipper)
Besides obliterating more or less innocent ghosts.
EULALIE
Yeah. Besides that.
SFX: Eulalie hangs up;
BACKGROUND SFX: Pub background fades.
SCENE 54
BACKGROUND SFX: Gently chiming music. The creaking of a ghost house.
SFX: The frantic chittering of a wraith raccoon…
JOSIE
Lota? I thought we were in a hurry here? Missing haunted human to find, and all?
SFX: Raccoon chittering intensifies.
LOTA
Hold on, Elmer. I’m not following…
(to Josie)
Elmer has a message. Give me a minute.
JOSIE
(sighs loudly and dramatically)
This had better be important.
LOTA
It is.
JOSIE
Like last time, when the urgent message was that the wraith raccoons found some juicy, juicy litter?
LOTA
(ignoring Josie)
Okay, Elmer, what’s wrong? And please, tell me slowly this time.
SFX: Wraith raccoon chitters very slightly more slowly
LOTA
(as if translating, with difficulty) Frankie’s in trouble. Those people are back. (not translating) What people? Do you mean… (horrified) The ghost hunters?
SFX: Single affirmative chirp.
JOSIE
Well, we were already on our way over there…
SFX: Lota clicks her joystick and her power wheelchair motor turns on. Two whooshes as they leave.
BACKGROUND SFX: Outdoor nature noises, a gentle breeze and birds chirping, with distant traffic in the background.
LOTA
I have to admit, traveling like that? Definitely a ghost perk.
JOSIE
Funny to think that there’s perks but, you’re right. We might want to bring that up next time we talk to our group of newly dead friends.
SFX: Lota’s power wheelchair motor cuts out as she stops short.
LOTA
Josie, did we ever tell them they can travel around and don’t have to stay near the hospital?
JOSIE
(thoughtful noises)
Well… whoops. (pause) Lots to cover next meeting, I see. How did Mary handle all of this?
LOTA
Right?! I appreciate her much more now that I’ve had a taste of everything she does for new ghosts. We might even have to stop teasing her for her narrating things.
JOSIE & LOTA
(laughing)
Noooo.
SFX: The power wheelchair motor starts up again with a joystick click. After a few seconds, the poltergeist rumbling and the ghost hunters in the background (though indistinct) increases as the ghosts approach the apartment.
LOTA
I’m going to gather the local wraith raccoons and see if we can run the ghost hunters off.
JOSIE
Good plan. I’ll keep an eye out for Alicia. Mortal transport leaves a lot to be desired.
SFX: Ghost whooshing.
SCENE 55
BACKGROUND SFX: Outdoor nature noises continue, a gentle breeze and birds chirping, with distant traffic in the background.
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps.
CAS
We all in position?
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps.
MYRTLE
Yes.
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps.
DANNY
Yep.
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps.
NICK
For sure.
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps.
CAS
Good. Here’s how this works. You offer your secret at each point of the star. And then you move on to the next––The broken treaty. The discarded ring. The hair of the shelter animals. The brick from the abandoned building. And the ashes from a wildfire started by human hands. Move counter clockwise.
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps.
DANNY
What’s the secret, boss?
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps.
CAS
The thing that broke up your most significant relationship. Not necessarily a romantic one. Just the most significant. Got it?
SFX: A long pause, then a walkie talkie blarps.
CAS
I’m taking that as a yes. So, we start on my count.
Three.
Two.
One.
SFX: A walkie talkie blarps. The wind kicks up a little bit, maybe the wraith raccoon chittering is a little louder and more anxious. Myrtle, Danny, Nick, and Cas’s whispers seem to blur, distort, and amplify. We hear them in bits and pieces, not necessarily in the sequence or completeness that follows:
CAS
(sighs) It was my PhD program. My partner… didn’t want to be a PhD widow. (laughs, bleakly) That’s such an awful phrase, isn’t it? PhD widow? It gets at so much brokenness in just two words. Anyway, someone at a wine and cheese or pub night or something had said the phrase in my partner’s hearing and… it haunted them. And I never got the chance to prove that I could balance research with love. They left. And I can’t really blame them because, every so often I glance at the clock after an allnighter and realize I … wouldn’t have been able to prove it. I wouldn’t have been able to strike that balance.
NICK
A chicken. (pauses) I had this dog when I was little. And… You’ve got to understand, that dog was my best friend. And one day when I was at school it. (clears throat) It… discovered Pop’s chicken coop. It wasn’t a vicious dog. It didn’t mean to do any harm. But Pop said–– he said–– (in a stern voice) “dog’s got a taste for blood now, son. Ain’t nothin’ to do but put it down.”
MYRTLE
It’s actually kind of funny, because it was a ghost. This beautiful ghost in a flowing gown with a smile that was just so… mysterious. I needed to find a way to communicate with them. I needed to know how they’d died. Why they’d stayed. One night my parents walked in on me––I was in highschool, then––and I had my borrowed ouija board laid out on top of my bed where I couldn’t possibly hide it. (laughs, bitterly). They burned it, and when I refused to “seek absolution” they stopped speaking to me. My best friend was pissed I’d cost her a ouija board, too. So, in a way it almost broke up two of my most significant relationships. And I never got to communicate with that ghost. As far as I know, they’re still haunting my parent’s house.
DANNY
(clears throat) A poltergeist. Or… maybe… Wallpaper. My granddad brought it home because it reminded him of abuelita. And apparently it reminded the house of her, too. It started waking up right away and… and… it’s what drove me and my sister apart, eventually.
SFX: Wordless whispering continues. After a while, sounds of Poltergeist Rumbling start to fade in, and what sounds like a strong wind. We hear more wraith raccoons chittering aggressively. These exorcism sounds continue. A car pulls up and parks. The car door opens and slams.
ALICIA
Eulalie? Eulalie, are you here??
JOSIE
I don’t think she is here. From what I can tell, it’s just Parker and Frankie in there. Not that the apartment will let me close enough to find out for sure.
ALICIA
Maybe it will let me in…
SFX: Alicia takes a few steps toward the front door and then we hear the sound of her hitting some sort of boundary.
ALICIA
(yelps)
I guess not.
JOSIE
We can worry about Eulalie later. Right now, we have to stop the ghost hunters.
ALICIA
No. I need to find Eulalie, first.
JOSIE
But if you stop the ghost hunters, then you may be able to get closer to the apartment.
SFX: The sound of someone running toward them.
EULALIE
(shouting, drunk. distant, like she’s far away)
Parker! Parker, I’m here and I’m going to stop the ghost hunters!!!
ALICIA
Eulalie?
EULALIE
(panting, to herself)
Parker! Parker, I’m here! After I catch my breath.
ALICIA
Eulalie, where have you been? I’ve been calling and texting and–– are you drunk?
JOSIE
The ghost hunters are in the backyard.
SFX: Alicia guides Eulalie toward her car and opens the door.
ALICIA
No, stay here. I’ll get them to leave.
EULALIE
I can’t stay in the car when my sister is in danger!
ALICIA
Your sister is in danger because my sister is a stubborn asshole. And you’re drunk. I don’t think you’ll be much help.
EULALIE
I’m not–– wait, what?!
DANNY
(in distance)
It’s working!
JOSIE
Something feels off…
SFX: As sounds of exorcism increase, poltergeist rumbling from interior seems to increase and spill outward. Thunder rumbles, and rain falls.
SCENE 56
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment, with the TV on in the background. Sounds on the exterior trickle in, with distant voices and crashing thunder, and poltergeist rumbling continues but louder
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
Well done, well done!
SHERIDAN
(on TV)
Just wow. WOW. I mean, you lot blew me away.
WILLIAM
(on TV)
I’m so proud of you!
EMM
(on TV)
…and just think of it! We’re all in the final, together. I couldn’t have asked to do this with a better bunch of bakers, you know?
MARISSA
(on TV)
What? What is even going on? I’m… thank you all so much. I’m as surprised as you are. I knew it would be good if it turned out. But. Well…
EMM
(on TV)
Marissa’s gingerbread bedroom diorama with the princess cake bed… oh, it’s… I mean… I would’ve never dreamed of making anything like that. Blimey! You know, she’s a genius, that’s what she is. She is a genius. Dollars to donuts she is going to win this thing.
SFX: Inspirational music in the background.
MARISSA
(on TV)
I got confectionary champion in the semifinal? Someone please pinch me; I must be dreaming. It’s… I…
(gets teary)
I’m sorry. I’m an easy crier. It’s just. It means so much, you know? To have my baking and my creativity recognized like that? Nobody ever thought I had talent growing up. Nobody ever thought I’d amount to much. And here’s Mary, telling me I should start my own shop. (breaks down) I’m so happy.
SFX: Competitive Confectionary theme music fades in…
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY TV HOST
(on TV)
And there you have it, folks. A confectionary diorama so delectable it will make you weep tears of joy. Just business as usual here in the yurt, actually. Until next time, remember to use oven mitts while baking!
PARKER
(whisper, freaking out)
It’s getting bad out there. Oh, I don’t know if Eulalie will get here in time. Or if she can even help. Or if there’s anything anyone can do…
FRANKIE
(whispering, but to herself)
The Apartment can do something.
PARKER
(whispering)
Did you say something?
FRANKIE
(pointedly NOT whispering)
I said, The Apartment can do something.
(to the apartment)
You wanted me here badly enough to trick me into signing the lease. Those people outside? They’re here to take me away. Actually, to completely destroy me. And maybe you, too. Are you just going to sit there watching telly-vision and grumbling while they undo all of your hard work?
THE APARTMENT
no?
SFX: Poltergeist rumbling increases suddenly.
SCENE 57
BACKGROUND SFX: Outside once more, with the hunters whispering, the thunder and wind, the exorcism spell. The poltergeist rumbles which crescendos as apartment shrieks.
THE APARTMENT
(shrieks)
get.
out.
SFX: Thunder cracks as The Apartment finishes speaking. Glass breaks suddenly. Everyone – the ghost hunters, Alicia, and Eulalie – screams.
EVERYONE
(screams)
THE APARTMENT
(screams with power and anger, not fear)
SFX: Crows caw loudly.
SCENE 58
BACKGROUND SFX: A trippy, out of this world soundscape with ticking stopwatches; we’re in the Veil. All voices here sound echoey.
NARRATOR
There’s a lot of power in patterns––a power this particular exorcism tried to draw on. But relationships are ultimately a choice. And when the assault began, Frankie made a surprising one: to side with the apartment. You can call it Stockholm syndrome. We did, for too long. But you can also call it kinship.
The apartment tormented Frankie in those first weeks in just the way Frankie had tormented Eulalie––instinctively, unthinkingly. In recognizing that sameness, Frankie didn’t dismiss or dishonour her own pain. But she did find the strength to forgive, the tenacity to imagine a different future, and the generosity to teach it to someone else.
In that, she was miles ahead of the rest of us…
BACKGROUND SFX: Fades out…
CREDITS
BACKGROUND SFX: Long version of the theme (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
COURTNEY:
This episode of The Way We Haunt Now was written by Courtney Floyd and Georgia Mckenzie, with sound design by Brad Colbroock and voice acting, in order of appearance, by:
PAUL
Paul H. Rollins as Nick Castlewaight
TAL
Tal Minear as Myrtle
LINDSAY
Lindsay Zana as Danny
BRAD
Brad Colbroock as Cas Bromley
KIRA
Kira Apple as The Narrator and Mary
TIM BRIGGS
Tim Briggs as Competitive Confectionary Host
ELEANOR ANWEN
As Emm, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
SARAH
Sarah McManus as Marissa, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
ALEXANDER
Alexander Doddy as William, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
ADAM
Adam Lloyd as Sheridan, a Competitive Confectionary contestant
ELEANOR GREY
Eleanor Grey as Frankie
MARNIE
Marnie Warner as Parker
COURTNEY
Courtney Floyd as Eulalie
GEORGIA
Georgia Mckenzie as Josie
BECCA
Becca Marcus as Lota
JESS
Jessica Winston as Alicia
ALI
Ali Hylton—
JEFF
Jeff Goldman—
KIRSTY
Kirsty Woolven—
MEGAN
Megan Gwen Davies—
NATALIE
Natalie Hunter—
ALL APARTMENT VOICES
—as The Apartment
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music fades out…
COMPETITIVE CONFECTIONARY HOST
We’re going to take a commercial break, but we’ll be back to whipping up scrumptious comestibles right after this message.