- The Way We Haunt Now
- Episode Thirteen – The Roommates
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Episode Thirteen – The Roommates
COURTNEY
All episodes of The Way We Haunt Now deal thematically with death and dying. Many contain mild horror elements. This episode contains depiction of alcohol consumption. Take care, listeners.
SCENE 17
BACKGROUND SFX: Traffic sounds, a breeze. Wraith raccoons chittering.
SFX: Keys jangle in the lock. A door opens, and footsteps go inside.
PARKER
(breathing heavily)
Hello? (pause) Fraaankiiie? Spooky sentient apartment person? Anyone?
SFX: Parker climbs the stairs; the traffic noise fading. The faint sound of a TV filters in, indistinct behind a door. As she opens the door, the TV sounds clearer.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV, faint and then coming to a normal volume as the door opens)
Not even the cockroaches deserve to be served this… Abomination.
SFX: Dramatic cooking show music.
PARKER
Frankie?
FRANKIE
Shhhh, shh, shh. We are about to see the risotto! (gleefully) It’s going to be so terrible!
BILLY
(on TV)
I don’t know, chef. It looks underdone to me.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
You. Don’t. Know? You don’t––
PARKER
Wait… we?
SFX: A poltergeisty rumbling starts to build.
THE APARTMENT
quiet. watching. show.
PARKER
(yelps)
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
MARNIE
This is The Way We Haunt Now Episode Thirteen: The Roommates.
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme fades out…
SCENE 18
BACKGROUND SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing, and thunder crashes fades in…
NARRATOR
For all humans crave connection, odds are that the moment they actually make that connection they will do their utmost to… Well… Excuse my language, but the only truly apt phrase here is “fuck it up.” See, as evidence, every piece of media featuring roommates EVER. Or just scroll through Reddit. Your eyes will fall out of your head, and not in that adorable “new to haunting” way.
I call it Murphy’s Law of Roommates. And it holds true even in the afterlife…
SFX: Ghostly whoosh as Lota appears, very quiet knock, joystick and power wheelchair.
LOTA
Mary? Who are you talking to?
NARRATOR
Case in point.
SFX: Ghostly whoosh as Josie appears.
JOSIE
…are you Narrating to yourself again?
NARRATOR
No––
BACKGROUND SFX: Narration ambi fades. Gently chiming music and the creaking of a ghost house fades in.
MARY
(coughs)
No, no. I’m… Don’t either of you ever knock?
LOTA
I did knock.
JOSIE
(at the same time as Lota)
When I feel like it.
MARY
Was there a reason you came in here, or…?
LOTA
Elmer and the other Wraith Raccoons just reported that Parker is inside the apartment.
MARY
Oh, good. Any other news?
JOSIE
Not yet. What do we do now?
MARY
We wait.
SFX: Pause.
MARY
Was there something else?
LOTA
Nope.
MARY
Well, then…
LOTA
Oh.
JOSIE
I guess we’ll be going, then…
MARY
Great.
SFX: Whooshing, joystick & power wheelchair as Lota and Josie leave.
BACKGROUND SFX: After a moment, the ghost house chimes fade and narration ambi fades back in..
NARRATOR
Our plan, rough and desperate though it was, had been put into motion. Parker was making contact with Frankie. We didn’t know what she would find. And all we could do was wait. Well, in my case, wait and start packing. Because finding out how Frankie had been coping all alone in that apartment for the past weeks was only the start. I’d exhausted my local research options, and I needed to venture deeper into the veil. As soon as we heard from Parker, I’d be off.
JOSIE
(in the distance)
Did you say something, Mary?
BACKGROUND SFX: Narration ambi fizzles out.
MARY
(pettishly)
No!
SCENE 19
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment tone; traffic sounds outside.
SFX: Death’s Cookery ending theme music
THE APARTMENT
next. episode.
PARKER
Wait! This… Is what you’ve been doing? While we all thought you were trapped here and tormented, you were watching TV with a sentient dwelling?
FRANKIE
(sighs)
I am trapped here. Watching these cooking programs is the only way to get it to stop… freaking out. It just throws a tantrum for media every chance it gets.
THE APARTMENT
am. here.
FRANKIE
And, it’s not only that the building is sentient. I think that it’s a manifestation made of the psychic traces of everyone who’s ever lived here. With its own sentience.
PARKER
How is that better?
FRANKIE
I never said it was better.
THE APARTMENT
next. episode.
SFX: Poltergeisty apartment rumblings.
PARKER
So, you have been tormented?
FRANKIE
At first it was torturous, but now I can’t seem to…
PARKER
Stop watching? Welcome to the club.
SFX: Poltergeisty rumbling intensifies.
THE APARTMENT
next. episode.
SFX: The remote clicks and Death’s Cookery theme music (loud electric guitars) fades in; apartment rumbling dies down.
DEATH’S COOKERY HOST
(on TV)
This week on Death’s Cookery our contestants encounter some unusual ingredients, learn how terrible their palates are, and play mind games to try to edge out the competition. We’re one week closer to finding out who will win the executive chef position at the world’s premiere columbarium-turned-michelin-star-restaurant, Last Meal.
SFX: Cooking show theme music gets more dramatic and then fades; general cooking sounds in the background continue throughout scene, except where noted.
FRANKIE
Would you like to sit down?
PARKER
Uh… Sure.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
Any chef worth their salt has a palate so fine-tuned they can tell the difference between a globe eggplant and a graffiti eggplant with their eyes closed. So, we’re going to find out who among you has the chops to stay in the competition with a blindfold eggplant taste test. But since my faith in the lot of you is limited, you’ll do this as teams. Each of you will have a sample platter of eggplant to taste and identify. The team with the most correct identifications at the end gets out of dinner prep for the day. Are you ready?
ALL CONTESTANTS
(on TV)
Ready, chef!
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
Then take your seats.
SFX: in-show dramatic transition music.
FRANKIE
Ooooh, is that one of those…tay-toos? (tattoos)
PARKER
Mhmm
FRANKIE
Did it hurt?
THE APARTMENT
shhhh. watching.
WYATT
(on TV, overlapping with conversation above)
(gagging) I hate eggplant. I mean, I know, we’re on Death’s Cookery. We have to be proficient with all of the nightshade family plants. But c’mon?!! Eggplants. I’d rather gnaw on chef’s dead grandma’s foot. No disrespect.
SFX: The sounds of people chewing and forks and plates clanking. Dramatic TV music.
DAVE
(on TV)
I think this is a… (chews) hmm… the flavor profile is slightly nutty, the flesh is creamy, but the skin is quite thick. Is this a Tango eggplant? I’m going with Tango eggplant.
PARKER
(whispering)
A little.
FRANKIE
Hmm?
PARKER
(whispering)
It hurt a little. So what else have you been up to?
FRANKIE
(whispering)
The triple W.
PARKER
…the what?
SFX: Apartment rumbles again.
THE APARTMENT
shhhhh.
PARKER
Sorry! (whispering) Sorry.
FRANKIE
(whispering)
The triple W. You know? Using the box with the moving pictures. The… desk top?
PARKER
Oh! The internet?
THE APARTMENT
no. speaking. watching.
SFX: TV grows louder.
BILLY
(on TV)
Hmmm (chewing sounds) This one is pretty bitter. It’s like (sucks in a breath like it’s so bitter it’s a punch in the mouth) Wheeeeew. It has to be an African Garden Eggplant.
SFX: A ting like he got it right. Background music stops.
MADISON
(on TV)
I’m going to be honest… I didn’t know there was more than, like, two kinds of eggplant. Like, long or round. Everything my teammates were saying sounded like some made up fairytale of a plant. Like, a Santana eggplant? A Bianca eggplant? A Thai lavender frog egg eggplant?!!!???
(voice drops conspiratorially)
So, I just made some names up. Nobody seemed to notice.
SFX: TV background music and sounds of eating come back in. A blaring alarm.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
Okay, okay, okay. Times up. Forks down, contestants!
SFX: Dramatic results music.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
So, our blue team managed to properly identify five eggplant varietals.
SFX: Some hesitant clapping.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
No, no. Don’t clap. There were thirty possible varietals to identify. THIRTY.
AND YOU ONLY GOT FIVE. So, yeah, no applause for the blue team. Red team…
SFX: Anticipatory inhales…
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
You were marginally less dreadful than the blue team with seven correct identifications. But I will allow you the win on this one because I think your failure is down to one team member who, frankly, has the palate of a raccoon. Madison, please step forward.
MADISON
(on TV; makes an outraged squeak)
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
Your performance this morning was appalling. Did I hear you identify one of the eggplant varietals as Deflated Balloon Filled with Honey?!!
MADISON
(on TV, muttering under her breath)
I mean, that’s what it looked like, what do you want me to say?
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
I’m sorry, what was that?
MADISON
(on TV, barely audible)
Yes, chef.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
That’s what I thought. Like I said, the palate of a raccoon, and clearly ZERO familiarity with one of the most important nightshade family plants in culinary history.
MADISON
(on TV)
Yes, chef.
ANGRY BRITISH CHEF
(on TV)
And for that, you’ll be joining the blue team prepping for dinner while the rest of your teammates get some R&R.
MADISON
(on TV)
I know I didn’t do the absolute best today… (crying dramatically) But for chef to say I have the palate of a raccoon?!! When my father basically died to send me to culinary school??!!! (sniffles) I mean, not died died. Like. He had a very uncomfortable summer since he couldn’t go to the club that year. But that wasn’t really related to my being in culinary school, it just kind of happened at the same time. But. (sniffs, sobs) The point is that I have a refined palate. My father paid a lot of money to make sure of it. (huffs, mutters) It’s at least the palate of a very pampered house cat.
SFX: Death’s Cookery background music fades out.
SCENE 20
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
Special collections request submitted.
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Yassss
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
Now, we wait.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
Just let me know when you’ve got the notes and we can get to ghost destroying.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
It might be a few days before I hear back. Anyway, do you have a status report, Danny?
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Yes. The sister moved into the apartment.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Or, at least, went in with a suitcase and hasn’t come back out.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
And has there been… Any weirdness? Electrical outages, animal freakouts…
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
…I know the list. And nope. Quiet as a library.
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
Hmm. That’s…good? Let us know if anything changes.
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Sure thing, boss.
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
(dramatic smooch sounds)
😘
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
(dramatic smooch sounds)
😘
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
(a cartoonish awwwwww)
😍
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
Uhhh, Nick? What’s with all the emoji? Are you trying to tell us something?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Did your little cousins hook you up with one of Santa’s elves after all???
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
(vomit sound, meow)
🤮 🐱
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
(fart noise, dramatic smooch, dramatic smooch)
💨 😘 😘
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
(yeehaw!)
🤠
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
Uh, in…teresting. Interesting. Does anyone know what these mean?
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification as Cas gets a text.
MYRTLE
Maybe they had a wild date? With a rodeo and food poisoning and… Cats somehow?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
Sorry. My little cousins snatched my phone. What did I miss?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
DANNY
Oh, nothing much. So the holiday merriment continues, then?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
Yep. (ho, ho, ho!) 🎅
SFX: Smartphone typing…
CAS
LOL
SFX: Message sending sound; phone notification twice as Cas gets texts.
MYRTLE
(laughing hard)
😂
DANNY
(laughing hard)
😂
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
What’s so funny?
SFX: Phone notification as Cas gets a text.
NICK
(groans)
…they sent you a bunch of emojis, didn’t they?
SCENE 21
BACKGROUND SFX: Gentle hum of home background noise fades in, traffic passing in the background.
SFX: Sounds of scrubbing.
EULALIE
Ugh, these ghost bombs are really hard to get out of the carpet, huh?
ALICIA
Yeah, that is the downside.
SFX: Sounds of scrubbing.
EULALIE
Hey, so… I’ve been meaning to ask…
ALICIA
Hang on, I’ve got to vacuum this spot.
EULALIE
But…
SFX: Vacuum switches on and continues for a bit, cutting Eulalie off.
ALICIA
There. That looks so much better.
EULALIE
(sighs)
As I was saying… I’ve been meaning to ask––No. Move your hand away from the vacuum, doctor. You promised to tell me some time. About how you know so much about all of this, I mean.
ALICIA
(sighs, groans)
What if I just vacuum instead?
SFX: Vacuum switches on.
EULALIE
Alicia.
ALICIA
Eulalie.
SFX: Vacuum switches on. Tense silence.
ALICIA
(sighs)
Fine. But it isn’t a happy story. I’m going to need some bourbon.
EULALIE
Oh. I didn’t-I’m sorry. I don’t want you to have to dredge up painful memories. It’s just…
ALICIA
No, no, you’ve been wondering, and I did promise. C’mon, it’ll probably be easier if we let the carpet soak a little bit anyway. Where do I start?
SFX: Glasses are taken from the cupboard and set down; Bourbon pours.
ALICIA
So, when I was growing up, I lived with my granddad. My parents weren’t… Couldn’t…be around. It’s not that relevant. Anyway, it was just the thr––two of us. My grandfather had magpie tendencies. He loved to do what we called thrift shop crawls. And he’d come home with all sorts of wonderful things. Beautiful old books, antique toys, weird furniture, old VHS tapes of shows that went off the air before we were even born.
SFX: Alicia takes another sip and then takes a long breath.
ALICIA
So, one day he––he brought home these rolls of wallpaper. It’s burned into my memory. This mustard yellow wallpaper. It wasn’t even like full wall size. Just these borders. The pattern was simple. It looked like ivy or bamboo or…(clears throat) tangled hair.
EULALIE
Hey. It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.
SFX: Alicia breathes deeply.
ALICIA
I’m fine. Really. Anyway, he had the wallpaper put up in his study. Which was really where he watched TV and drank beers because he thought we wouldn’t know…
EULALIE
We?
ALICIA
I. I wouldn’t know. (shuddering breath) Looking back, the house started changing right away. Waking up in slow, subtle ways. The stairs grew new creaks. Weak spots in the wood that weren’t there before. Our house was built in the 1970s, for god’s sake. And then there were the shadows. They pooled in corners that should’ve been sunspotted almost all day long. And the skittering sounds. All night long.
SFX: Alicia gulps the rest of her shot, slapping her palms on the counter.
ALICIA
Long story short, my granddad brought a ghost home. The house took notice. And by some strange supernatural chemistry, we found ourselves at the ground zero of a poltergeist formation. I survived. My granddad didn’t. The house took him. And ever since then I’ve been doing my research, compiling facts, and preparing for the day that I’m ready to go back to that blighted house and set my granddad’s spirit free.
EULALIE
Oh.
ALICIA
Welp, I feel like I deserve another round. You want some?
EULALIE
Yes, please.
SFX: Eulalie’s phone starts ringing.
EULALIE
(yelps)
Sorry! Let me silence that…
SFX: The phone keeps ringing.
EULALIE
…oh. It’s Parker.
ALICIA
Take it. Don’t even worry about it. It’s your sister, and she’s living with a poltergeist. Of course you need to take it.
SCENE 22
BACKGROUND SFX: Eulalie’s apartment tone; traffic sounds outside.
SFX: Ringing transitions into Parker waiting for Eulalie to pick up.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Hey.
PARKER
Hey, sis. Just calling to touch base.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Oh yeah? How are things?
PARKER
Weird. Frankie and the Apartment have been… You know what? You aren’t going to believe me!
EULALIE
(through phone)
Now you have to tell me!
SFX: Eulalie laughs as Parker’s telling the story.
PARKER
They’ve been marathon watching these awful cooking shows. Like, the whole time? And Frankie says she’s been “on the Triple W” which is apparently what she calls the internet. I haven’t…ooh, I haven’t had the heart to ask her what she’s been doing there.
SFX: Ghost appearing whoosh sound.
FRANKIE
I’ve been on the you tube––
PARKER
(yelps)
EULALIE
(through phone)
What’s happening? Parker, are you okay??
FRANKIE
(as if nothing’s happened)
––listening to music. Are you familiar with Alison Krauss?
PARKER
(breathing heavier)
I’m fine. Frankie snuck up on me. She says she’s been on YouTube listening to Alison Krauss.
FRANKIE
…and boygenius. But they aren’t boys at all. They’re women. And there are three of them.
PARKER
Uh-huh.
FRANKIE
And did you know about Emily Dickinson?!
PARKER
…What about her?
FRANKIE
Everything. She’s my new favorite poet. I’ve been memorizing this piece of hers that starts “I heard a fly buzz –– when I died…”
PARKER
(to Eulalie)
She’s discovered Emily Dickinson, too, apparently.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Really. What’s her favorite?
PARKER
Ha-ha, guess.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Mm, “Because I could not stop for Death…”?
PARKER
Nope.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Huh, okay. “The only Ghost I ever saw…”?
PARKER
No! It’s the one about the fly. How many death-themed poems did she write?! Never mind. I don’t want to know.
FRANKIE
…I did hear a fly buzz when I died. Isn’t that funny? I think it was attracted to one of mother’s nostrums. Well, my nostrums. The ones mother made me take…
EULALIE
(through phone)
Anything else to report?
PARKER
(sighing)
Nothing of note. We’re still on the poem.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Oh, okay. Well, good.
PARKER
I’ll call again later.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Okay. Be careful, sis.
PARKER
I will.
EULALIE
(through phone)
Love you.
PARKER
Love you too.
SFX: Parker hangs up
FRANKIE
(to herself, obsessed)
I heard a Fly buzz – when I died –
The Stillness in the Room
Was like the Stillness in the Air –
Between the Heaves of Storm –
The Eyes around – had wrung them dry –
And Breaths were gathering firm
For that last Onset – when the King
Be witnessed – in the Room –
I willed my Keepsakes – Signed away
What portion of me be
Assignable – and then it was
There interposed a Fly –
With Blue – uncertain – stumbling Buzz –
Between the light – and me –
And then the Windows failed – and then
I could not see to see –
BACKGROUND SFX: Frankie’s recitation fades out, as does the apartment tone.
SCENE 23
BACKGROUND SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing, and thunder crashes fades in…
NARRATOR
As I was saying. Things were going according to plan. If by plan, you understand that I really mean flailing-attempt-to-set-things-right-without-enough-information-or-resources. And the next phase of the plan was even more terrifying than trusting humans to do something we couldn’t do. Because phase two was me heading into the veil on a research trip, thereby leaving said humans and my associates unsupervised. Not that they need supervision. They’re grown people. I just… Feel better about the state of the universe when I know what’s going on. In detail. And in the veil, I’ll be out of touch. Digging through lore, conducting interviews, seeing old friends, maybe seeing some of the sights. Like the Void Screams museum. You know. For research.
BACKGROUND SFX: Ghostly soundscape fades out…
SFX: An ominous spectral door opens.
GEORGIE
Your chaperone awaits.
MARY
Georgie! You didn’t need to trek all the way out here just for me.
GEORGIE
Hmph. It’s been ages since you’ve traveled this deep into the veil. I can’t have one of my oldest––youngest?––well, dearest, friends getting lost simply because the trek to the mortal realm is “inconvenient.”
MARY
Well, I do appreciate the gesture. Just give me a moment to say goodbye.
GEORGIE
Of course.
SFX: Ghostly whoosh.
MARY
(shouting)
Josie, Lota, I’m leaving now. You’re in charge!
SFX: Footsteps and power wheelchair in the distance
LOTA
(shouting in distance)
Safe travels!
JOSIE
(shouting in distance)
Did you say we were “in charge”? You can’t really expect us to do our own work and all of your work while you’re off gallivanting?!
MARY
(shouting)
It’s all in the note! Bye now!
SFX: Two whooshes as Mary and Georgie depart; portal closes.
SCENE 24
BACKGROUND SFX: Gently chiming music and the creaking of a ghost house fades in, directly transitioning from previous scene.
SFX: Josie’s footsteps and Lota’s power wheelchair get closer.
JOSIE
(close now,)
What note?
LOTA
Uh… Let’s find out.
SFX: Paper rustles as Lota picks up the note.
LOTA
(clears her throat)
“You’re in charge.” It’s underlined three times, Josie. “I’ll run errands for you when I get back to make up for my ‘gallivanting.'” How did she know you were going to use that word?
JOSIE
(sighs)
I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. What matters is…
LOTA
We’re in charge.!
JOSIE
Yep.
LOTA
Mhmm.
JOSIE
What does Mary actually do again?
LOTA
Oh, it’s… (pause) I-I don’t actually know? I’ve always had more of a vague sense than anything.
JOSIE
Well, this is going to be interesting, then…
CREDITS
BACKGROUND SFX: Long version of the theme (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in…
COURTNEY
This episode of The Way We Haunt Now was written and directed by Courtney Floyd with sound design by Brad Colbroock and voice acting, in order of appearance, by:
MARNIE
Marnie Warner as Parker
WILL
Will Stephenson as Angry British Chef
ELEANOR GREY
Eleanor Grey as Frankie
JERRON
Jerron Bacat as Billy, a Death’s Cookery contestant
PAIGE
Paige Alena as Death’s Cookery host
LAUREN GRACE THOMPSON
Lauren Grace Thompson as Wyatt, a Death’s Cookery contestant
BRYAN
Bryan Green as Dave, a Death’s Cookery contestant
MICHELLE
Michelle Han as Madison, a Death’s Cookery contestant
AUSTIN
Austin Backman as Sam, a Death’s Cookery contestant
KASHYU
Kashyu as Wendy, a Death’s Cookery contestant
ALI
Ali Hylton—
JEFF
Jeff Goldman—
KIRSTY
Kirsty Woolven—
MEGAN
Megan Gwen Davies—
NATALIE
Natalie Hunter—
ALL APARTMENT VOICES
—as The Apartment
KIRA
Kira Apple as The Narrator and Mary
BECCA
Becca Marcus as Lota
GEORGIA
Georgia Mckenzie as Josie
BRAD
Brad Colbroock as Cas Bromley
LINDSAY
Lindsay Zana as Danny
TAL
Tal Minear as Myrtle
PAUL
Paul H.Rollins as Nick Castlewaight
MARGARET
Margaret Ashley as Georgie Yeats
BACKGROUND SFX: Theme music fades out…
COURTNEY
Frances Matilda Summerson was haunted by many things: the fact that she was trapped in an apartment with a media-hungry sentience, the fact that that media-hungry sentience refused to watch anything but cooking shows, and the fact that she’d never cooked risotto. Or, anything, really. Find out more about us and all of our various side-haunts on our website, hauntnowpod.com!
SFX: The sound of a TV clicking on. Death’s Cookery transition music.
DEATH’S COOKERY HOST
You’re watching Death’s Cookery, where the food just might be deadlier than the competition. You know what else is deadly, though? Formal dining in space.