Transcript: Episode Two – The Poem

The word transcript in blocky marker style script, over a background of greenish turquoise brick.

The Way We Haunt Now

Episode Two – The Poem

COURTNEY:  Hey there ghosts and ghouls, this episode depicts the consumption of alcohol.

SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in

COURTNEY: (V.O.) This is The Way We Haunt Now, Episode Two: The Poem

SFX: Theme music fades out…

SCENE 8

SFX: Cheesy Video Theme Music fades in…

ED (YOUTUBE): Hey there subscribers, today I’m going to show you how to take apart and repair an Edison Cylinder Phonograph. But before I do, remember to like, share, and most of all subscribe if you like my channel. (Takes a breath) All right. This here is the standard model, and it’s pretty banged-up. But that’s good for our purposes. To get at the guts, you’ll want to lift up the bed. That’s this flat metal part here, resting on the wooden case. And… (Grunt) you’ll see this one’s pretty dirty. 

SFX: Screwdriver scraping rust and dirt off a phonograph.

ED (YOUTUBE):  …A little bit of cleaning and some oil, and this will be good as new. Now, right here we have a bigger problem. Let me zoom in to show you. 

SFX: Button clicking as Ed the Repair Guy adjusts his zoom.

ED (YOUTUBE): See this spring right here?

EULALIE: (muttering over Ed) Finally. Now show me how it attaches.

ED (YOUTUBE): Looks like it could break at any moment. Rusted through. We’re going to have to change it out.

EULALIE: Yesssss….

SFX: Phone rings and vibrates.

EULALIE: What? No! No… I was so close.

SFX: Eulalie swipes to start the call.

EULALIE: What do you need? I was in the middle of something.

PARKER: Hello to you too, sis. 

EULALIE: Sorry. I’ve just been working on this thing all afternoon and I’m finally maybe getting somewhere and…

PARKER: I–– I  can call back later, I just wanted to check in after that creepy text you sent Friday.

EULALIE: What text?

PARKER: Uh, the one where you wrote, and I quote, “I might be in the Twilight Zone. My students are possessed and so is the bus. Pls send help.”

EULALIE: (laughs awkwardly) Oh, yeah. That text. Everything’s fine.

PARKER: Really? Because you haven’t answered any of my texts or calls since then.

EULALIE: That’s because you haven’t texted or called? Anyway, it hasn’t been that long.

PARKER: Um, no. Try again.

EULALIE: Seriously?

PARKER: One, it’s Sunday. And two, check your recent calls if you don’t believe me.

EULALIE: Uh, it’s only Saturday?! And my call log is gonna say zero. But okay.

SFX: Smartphone tapping sounds

EULALIE: …Or seven. That’s so weird. My ringer’s on and everything. (Whispers to self) Okay. Calendar app. (PAUSE)  

SFX: Smartphone tapping sounds

Holy heck, it’s Sunday.

SFX: Scary sound. (Think Friday the 13th!)

PARKER: Thus my calls. I was starting to panic.

EULALIE: I’m sorry. Really.

PARKER: You still just want to get back to your project, don’t you?

EULALIE: (trying to be sincere) Noooooo. Tell me what’s new with you.

PARKER: (laughing) ‘Kay. How about a rain check on that? I just demand full details on whatever this latest project is once you’re finished. Clearly it’s going to be awesome if you’re already this obsessed.

EULALIE: Deal.

PARKER: And check your phone more often.

EULALIE: Will do.

PARKER: Ok. Bye.

EULALIE: Bye!

SFX: Hangs up phone; video starts again

ED (YOUTUBE): (Grunts) It’s really stuck in there. I’ll just try a little bit of oil and…

SFX: Metal twanging and scraping before sliding into place.

ED (YOUTUBE):  There it goes. Whew. Alright. So now we just clean out the dust and do some lubricating and pop the new spring in. 

SFX: Cheesy Video Theme Music plays again.

EULALIE: (wailing) What?!! No!!! Show me how to put it together you coward!

SFX: Smartphone screen clicks off.

EULALIE: (Breathes out hard like a growl) 

SFX: Eulalie standing up from couch

EULALIE: Goshdarn YouTube and that hecking piece of junk phonograph. I need a break. 

SFX: Stomps off.

SCENE 9

SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing fades in…

NARRATOR: Ghosts, like everyone else on this spinning marble, live––or, hmm, operate, anyway––by a set of rules. But not all of us are aware, at least at first, that there are two sets of rules at play: humans’ rules about and for ghosts, and ghosts’ rules about and for ourselves. A particularly skilled patent filer put it this way…  Ah–– Well, w–– why I don’t I just have him tell you how he put it? Mmm. Eh–– Hold on. (summoning voice) Hey, Tom! (clears throat) Yes, come here. (Grunts a little) Come––

SFX: Sound of narrator grabbing and yanking a ghost into the room. The ghost straightens his suit coat.

NARRATOR: Remind us: What’s that thing you said about hauntings?

TOM: I believe that I said… 

SFX: Licks finger, turns pages, mumbling until he finds the right spot.

TOM: Ah. Here it is. (clears throat) “Why should personalities in another existence or sphere waste their time working a little triangular piece of wood over a board with certain lettering on it? Why should such personalities play pranks with a table? The whole business seems so childish to me that frankly I cannot give it my serious consideration.” (Clears throat again)

SFX: Book closing. 

TOM: Is that the one you meant? 

NARRATOR: Mmm. Yes. Thanks, Tom.

TOM: I’ll just be on my way, then. You summoned me away from my weekly checkers game with Nick. He’ll have taken an extra turn while I was away, so thank you very much for that.

SFX: Whooshing sound of Tom leaving. Ghostly door slamming.

NARRATOR: Anyway, as I was saying. There are hauntings and then there are humans’ wild imaginings about what hauntings are and why they’re happening. Which isn’t to say that ghosts never haunt by human rules. Lots of them do. It’s what they know, fresh out of their meat sacks. Which is why we try to get to them before they can even start. The ghost Eulalie’d picked up at the thrift store happened to be one of this sort––unaware of the rules we have for ourselves and vibrating and resonating back into existence with some very human ideas about haunting. As you’re aware, human ideas and human rules aren’t always…kind.

SFX: Ghostly soundscape fades out…

SCENE 10

SFX: Running bathwater, faucets being turned off, water fading, splashing

SFX: RUNNING BATHWATER, FAUCETS BEING TURNED OFF, WATER FADING, SPLASHING

EULALIE: (Sighs) I can’t believe I lost track of that much time. 

SFX: Eulalie splashing

EULALIE: I’m going to be so behind on grading. (Sighs) That’s okay, I’ll just soak out the kinks in my neck and shoulders with this bath, and then I’ll grade a few journals before I call it a night.

SFX: Eulalie splashing

EULALIE: Easy, peasy. Everything’s going to be okay.

SFX: Creepy clicking sound from phonograph machine, followed by weird ghostly sounds coming from the pipes

SFX: Eulalie scrambling out of the water; Scary sound

EULALIE: What was that? (Breathing hard) I know I didn’t just imagine that. 

SFX: Eulalie sitting back down in water.

EULALIE: Hecking heck. Of all the times to not have anyone to call in for help… 

SFX: Eulalie splashing

EULALIE: (Laughs, but on edge) What would they even say if I could call them? Dad would say “it’s just an old building, the joints are going creak when they settle. That’s all you heard.” Mom would say  I’m working too hard and tell me to sleep more. Parker… let’s be honest, Parker would be more freaked out than I am right now. 

SFX: Eulalie splashing

EULALIE: (Sighs) E, you’ve gotta stop talking to yourself so much. No wonder you’re hearing things, 

SFX: Eulalie splashes hard

EULALIE: …you’ve got one foot in an institution already.

SFX: Creepy clicking sound from phonograph machine repeats, followed by weird ghostly sounds coming from the pipes

But maybe tomorrow morning is soon enough to start working on that….

SFX: Eulalie scrambles out of the water

I didn’t really need to relax, after all. I’ll just get right on that grading. Somewhere…not here.

SFX: Tub drains ominously

SCENE 11

SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing fades in…

NARRATOR: Humans may be the ultimate persistence hunters, but that almost preternatural ability to focus can just as easily become a preternatural ability to avoid. Given the opportunity, most humans will ignore the signs of their impending doom indefinitely––or until their doom actually arrives. Whichever comes first. Eulalie’s impulse to laugh off the signs was, in this regard, perfectly normal. (PAUSE) But if humans are the ultimate persistence hunters and avoiders in the hot and fast domain of the heartbeat, one has to wonder: what does that make their ghosts? Hold that thought: you’ll find out soon enough.

SFX: A ghostly soundscape of crows cawing, cicadas and frogs singing fades in…

SCENE 12

SFX: Pub sounds fade in along with “Halloween Ghost Party” by Loyalty Freak Music (on the radio). Typing.

EULALIE: Alright, students, let’s see what you have for me this week.

SFX: Trackpad clicks

EULALIE: Mmmmm. You all managed to submit on time? Color me impressed.

SFX: Trackpad clicks

STUDENT 1 (KAIA): (recording) For my audio journal this week, I wanted to talk about the way Nelly tells the story in Wuthering Heights. The passage I want to focus on is this…

SFX: Crackling electronic sounds and phonograph cylinder white noise from the student recording

STUDENT 1 (KAIA): Remember me when I am gone away, gone far away into the silent land… When you can no more hold me by the hand… Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay…

SFX: Scary sound

EULALIE: What the heck?! 

SFX: Trackpad clicks

EULALIE: (Voice wobbly, breathing heavy) Was that a joke? Geez, kid. I’m going to have to grade that one by the light of day. (breathes) Okay, let’s see what you have to say, Alex.

SFX: Trackpad clicks

STUDENT 3 (ALEX): Hi Ms. Reed. My journal this week is about the books in Cathy and Heathcliff’s room. I think it’s important that the kids wrote in them, and the passage I want to focus on is…

SFX: Crackling electronic sounds and phonograph cylinder white noise from the student recording

STUDENT 3 (ALEX): Remember me when I am gone away, gone far away into that silent land… 

SFX: Scary sound, student continues reciting poem in background

EULALIE: Oh, hell no.

SFX: Eulalie clicks and types frantically, trying to get the student’s recording to stop. It won’t stop. Eulalie breathes heavily and finally slams the laptop shut. It keeps going. 

EULALIE : Why won’t it stop? (Heavy breathing)

SFX: Eulalie rips out her earbuds and the pub sounds and music become louder.

ALICIA: Hey? Are you okay?

EULALIE: I… Hooo. Um.  I’m…fine. I think I must’ve clicked a bad link or something. 

ALICIA: You need a drink? I’ll get you a drink.

EULALIE: Uhhh…

ALICIA: (OFF) Bartender! I need a bourbon, STAT. It’s an emergency.

SFX: Alicia walks away, bar sounds continue. In the background you hear Jon Harker the radio host announcing the start of a new song: “Regenerate My Dead Pet” by the Zombie Dandies. Footsteps announce Alicia’s return.

ALICIA: Here. Down the hatch. You look pale. 

EULALIE: Thanks, but…

ALICIA: Don’t but me. I’m a doctor. Down the hatch.

EULALIE: Okay…I guess it has been a rough day.

SFX: Eulalie gulps the shot and then coughs.

ALICIA: Atta girl. Now tell the good lady doctor what’s wrong. And don’t give me any of that virus crap. Nobody gets that pale because of a computer problem. Or, if they do, there’s usually more swearing.

EULALIE: (Sighs) It’s nothing really, I’m just tired.

ALICIA: C’mon, you can lie to the doc but you can’t lie to the free bourbon lady. 

EULALIE: (laughs, nervous) Okay, fine. (Takes a breath) If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’m being haunted.

ALICIA: Ghosts, huh? We’re gonna need more bourbon.

EULALIE: Uhhh…

ALICIA: Doctor? Remember? 

EULALIE: It’s just, I’ve got things to do tomorrow and I’d really rather avoid a hangover.

ALICIA: You’re being haunted. It’s doctor’s orders.

EULALIE: Are you… sure you’re a doctor?

ALICIA: Yep. Freshly minted and here on a residency. 

EULALIE: Oh. Well, in that case.

ALICIA: (Laughs) I’ll make yours a double. You look like you need it. And then you can tell me all about this ghost that’s bothering you.

SFX: pub sounds and music fade out

CREDITS

SFX: Theme music (simple guitar with spectral oohs and ohs and occasional cymbal crashes) fades in

COURTNEY: (V.O.) This episode of The Way We Haunt Now is written, directed, and produced by Courtney Floyd with voice acting (in order of appearance) by:

COURTNEY: Courtney Floyd as Eulalie 

CARL: Carl Foley Jr. as Ed the Repair Guy

MARNIE: Marnie Warner as Parker

KIRA: Kira Apple as The Narrator

DALLAS: Dallas Mugno as the ghost of Thomas Edison

MEGAN: Megan Griffin as Kaia

LIZA: Liza Holmes as Alex

JESSICA: Jessica Winston as Alicia

TIM: Tim Lowe as Jon Harker

COURTNEY: Whether you’re new to the spirit world or simply a ghost in need of some entertainment, you can visit www.hauntnowpod.com for more episodes as well as information about our cast and crew, content warnings, transcripts, and links to our social media. 

SFX: Theme music fades out

COURTNEY: Remember to haunt responsibly!

Resource: Christina Rossetti’s “Remember”

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